This blog was created for Mrs. Gilson's Creative Writing courses. Students are encouraged to write compliments and suggestions when evaluating students' writing pieces. Please respect everyone's privacy and provide positive remarks.
The beginning was god, but use more discription, and explain more on how he got hurt and discribe how the crowd is acting. Closer to the end of the first page, you went from third person point of view to first peson. I think the story is better in a first person pooint of view. When the reporters talk to John, use different words then just ask. Explaine how John was picked to go play in Chicago. I did't really like how it ended suddenly.
Look a little more into how college works only because if you live in the state you would have visited the campus before you got there and Basketball practice wouldn’t start until winter, ect. Also maybe talk about the beginning of the year and how Camille acted. You tend to tell the story and about the characters but you are not showing us them. Use actions and how they talk to give us more an idea of them. Adding setting and actions will not only keep the reader in but add length to the story. I love how different Camille is. You did a very nice job describing her and making her original. I like how you can tall a lot about the characters from how they talk. The theme of the story was prominent. Good Job!
WOW!!! That got really intense for a while!! I was scared for Alicia and Mark. What happened on the way there? Was there really a man on the side of the road? This story was amazing, and it kind of reminded me of our junior class because the girls were hanging with upper classmen. This is a awesome story with a good ending! The climax was so unpredictable. Recomended for all! There is not much to suggest because it was awesome, but the one thing I could say was that it kind of ended quick from the transition of being scared to everything being alright. It would have been better if someone got killed! ;)
This story was very catching it kept me hooked. I loved the story it was something that is relatable because it could really happen in life. I also loved the main character because she was a person that high school girls can relate to.
I had a problem with the story flowing easily, I would get really into it and then it seemed that it got choppy. I think that you should make the spaces for when a new person talks so that it runs easier. But all together a Great story line.
Great Story! You used great description at the start and I understood fully what was going on during the story. You also didn't have any grammar errors and your dialogue was great.
Three things that you could fix with your story is the ending came kind of abruptly and I was waiting for more. You could also be a little more descriptive about the characters and you could describe the setting a little more.
“Elaine’s Secret Life” The story has good potential in it. The main character needs to be developed more. After her father dies expand more on how she felt and how exactly she was affected. When you introduce the character and described her it was good but you left it at that. Blend more details of her in the story; add more on her personality. I also believe you should introduce Francis as her brother first before you actually use his name otherwise it is confusing. When I first read over it I thought you were talking about her dad. The dialogue was a little redundant. Someone said this, someone exclaimed that. Broaden the way you introduce dialogue.
Great descriptions of the characters, but maybe try to describe the setting in more detail. Also a great use of tags for quotations in different parts of the sentences. You also described how the modern life is and how people start rumors on stuff like that. It really depicted real life. Just try to watch the spelling because in th first paragraph Raquelle was spelt different. Also make sure when you start a new paragraph that you indent. Otherwise this story was very good.
Home Again- you really made me enjoy this story. you kept things the same way through out the story. when you went to the past you indicated it and made sure it wasn't confusing.one thing you can change is that you could change the name back to the origional name of the dad at the end. i love that you told us later or more towards the end of the story on how everything happend.
"Go Big or Go Home" Good Story!Really caught my attention i liked how you described the girls in details and really let us know what they are like.The setting was put in the story very uniquely,but got into good detail. Story was kind of predictable.Could have worked on more shock value,but otherwise good job!
The story line is interesting very good attention getting but there are a few minor punctuation errors that could be over looked. Another thing that kind of confused me is the fact you when from third person to first person. I like the fact that you fallowed the same path and only had one plot and theme and the ending was kind of sudden and I didn’t expect the fact in the first few second of the game he was pulled because of his injury. I also think that you should have mentioned who won the game
Wow! Great Story! You had a great story line and I was always wondering what was going to happen next. That really was the best day to the worst. I like how you described the characters in great detail. It wasn't confusing at all when I was reading it.
At the end, her parent's death came pretty quick and you could have described it more. You also could have put the grandma in a little more. You could have talked about her car a little more because at the start it was pretty much the main point.
You had very good descriptions of the characters. I actually visualized of what they looked like. Tell more of what's going on in her life. You should have told more up to the point of when she's going to college becuase you kind of just jumped to that. The plot line was very good becuase it's making people think twice about drinking and driving. There are lessons to be learned from this also. If you have dreams and want to achieve them don't let other things get in the way such as drinking. One other thing that it's telling us is that don't let friends do that kind of stuff, take control of the situation. Overall this story was very good, just needs minor changes.
This story held my attention very well throughout the entire piece; the details were realistic and easy to picture. The theme was pretty easy to pick out and went along with the events smoothly. The settings are well-defined throughout the piece as well, being descriptive enough to make it real without being wordy. Some basic proofreading would help the story come across smoother: tense changes and awkward wording make it difficult to hold the story’s flow at times. The gore is only slightly excessive, but could be more tasteful with just a little bit less description. Maybe to combat this, the murder scenes could have more description about the people’s reactions than the actual bodies. Other than that, the scenery is very effective. Lastly, a quick skim through to make sure the story connects could bring this piece a lot farther. For instance, I wasn’t quite sure why the main character needed to wait two hours before opening his letter if it only told him to show up at the mansion the following morning anyway.
Great story! Great decription of characters. Good use of tags used throught the story. I like the ending, it left me hanging but it would of been nice if you went longer with the story and descibed more of what happened. You had some spelling and grammar errors but those can be changed anytime. You kinda went throught the stopry really fast and didn't put in any details of what is going on.
Very good description of everything! I was very impressed of the choice of words you used. They were very descriptive and it made the story sound fantastic. I also liked how you made the story sound like a actual high schooler talking, most stories that use a high school character don't use that type of language. A few suggestions would be too correct some of the punctuations and tabs. You forgot to indent lots of times and when someone is done talking you have to keep the paragraph after it. (I don't know if you know what I mean but talk to Mrs. Gilson about it, I'm sure that she will be able to help you) The story also ended kind of quickly too. Overall, Great story and very well written and interesting.
Awsome beginning to the story. It really caught my attention. Serious ending to the story. That was real unfortunate for Michelle. That would suck. I wish I would have known what car she was going to get though. Story changed drastically. Overall, AWSOME story.
This was a good story!! I think that if you add more to the beginning, some more detail to the rest of the story, and if you add more on to the end, you could end up writting a novel. This story kept me wanting to read more. I would like to know what happenes on the quest that the wizard wanted them for. Awesome job!
Cold Day- I thoguht the story was kind of boring.One thing i didn't like is that you ended the story. it feels like you didn't finish it. I liked that you told us why the boys didn't have school. I also liked taht you told us where they live. You could tell us how old Harry was. You could aslo add a little supition in the story.
“Cold Day” In this story you should really describe what this story is going to be about. In the beginning of the story and by the title I thought it was going to be about a cold day and that was going to be the plot. Instead I found out at the end it is all about the gift he was getting. The story did not keep my interest. There were a lot of random details that do not need to be in the story. The need for the headphones needs to be expanded more. Like why did he want the headphones over the jerseys?
This was a good story. One suggestion would be to describe the characters a little more and describe the setting. Very nice use of different tags and alot of dialogue. Also i would say that don't end the paragraphs so abruptly, add a little more detail. Good description on what can happen in a relationship and how fast things can change for better or worse. Otherwise it was a great story.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? This piece follows the basic premise of a different story but I’ll fill this out anyway. First, there were unique details in the story that made it more interesting. The twist at the end was also unexpected. The description of the settings was well done. The theme doesn’t seem to exist, though. If the story were developed more, maybe a theme would start to develop. The proofreading should be checked on the piece as well, things like tense changes and misspellings seem to pop up every once in awhile. Lastly, the story line could use a little more structure; why does the temperature change in his room? Is the tour guide a robot? How did the news stations know he had won the contest?
“Elaines Secret Life” 1. There were a few spelling mistakes. 2. Instead of having it spread out so much maybe you could have done it in like 2 years and explains it more. 3. I think you could go into more detail with her emotions. 1. I like the story line a lot. 2. I like the twist in the story about how her dad died and how she changed so much. 3. I like the ending and how it leaves you wondering what happened to her.
“Cold Day” 1. A few spelling mistakes and little things that could be corrected. 2. The ending could have been differently or talked about more. 3. Maybe you could have used more variety instead of saying said or other words after using quotations. 1. I liked how it stuck to what Jim wanted to get for his birthday. 2. I liked the relationship Jim had with his friend and his mom. 3. I like how you kept the story all in one day and didn’t drag it out.
"Prom Night" it was a very interesting story. the characters were well thaught out, it moved reletively smoothly. the only thing is that jason wouldn't have droped his gun just because gregg showed up and she wouldn't have gone with him to begin with affter he hurt her like that. but her feelings were pertrayed nicely, i could tell why she was thing wat she was thinking the entire tome. the part at the start confused me though, u were talkin about jason and then suddenly made a coment about gregg without intraducing him, i thenk it would have run more smoothly if you put the fact that he liked her after she started dancing with him, but it was over all a very nice story. nice job.
I liked the story line but I feel that you could have gone into detail on what the four of them looked like and some more of Mark and Drakes personality. I have to admit it sent shivers down my spine when the lights went out and Mark happened to disappear. The ending was an easy let down not like a sudden or abrupt stop. But in my opinion it was a very good story
“Sammy’s Way” Good description on the setting helped me picture the story as it was. One thing I was a little confused about was when someone was talking, dialogue was a little off at times. I liked how you described the family and the issues with the family so we knew how things have gone in the past. Overall intense good story, really kept me hooked while reading it!
I love the imagery. You did a great job on setting in the beginning. The humor in the story present by the characters is good and not forced. Nice! I like how the dialogue really adds to the story and the characters. Spell out numbers in the story (four instead of 4). Describe the woods and more of the action in the end. The story seems to end abruptly. Dragging out the fight will prevent that. Try not to capitalize the whole sentence. Emphasizing a couple words or only one will have the same effect - (“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!?!” Draculain whispered in a firm voice)
“Night of Prom” I think that you could have given a little information on Jennifer and Jason’s relationship in the past, and play that into the story a little. I think that the story line in catchy and has good ideas. There could have been a little more detail about the prom, explaining the setting and people. The story made me want to keep reading it and the ending was a surprise, which made it even better. I like how you have the friend that wants more than the friendship, and I like how the story ends up playing out.
WOW what a great story. You had a wonderful character description. You used tags thoughtout the story in different parts of your sentences. This story was so cute and put a tear in my eye.
Every so often you forgot to indent for a new person speeking but that it fine. Instead of just cruiseing throught the game part you could of lengthened the story by saying what all happened throughout the game and what happened with her and her father.
All I can say is WOW!!!! This story was fascinating from the first word to the last!! I was interested the whole time!!!I don't even know what to type write now because I am in awe! Whoever wrote this story deserves an A+++++ Fo sho!! This is a masterpiece of literature. If this person made this short story into a novel, it could stand by "To Kill a Mockingbird, Lord of The Flies, Animal Farm, Native Son, and Paddy Whacked." This story really amazes me and I have no suggestions!!! A masterpiece!!!
“Aliah’s Secret” I think that this is a very interesting story, and I like how she understands her friend’s feelings instead of turning against her. I think that in high school it is very hard because you are expected to be a certain way and if your outside of the circle you feel left you. I think Aliah took a very big step by telling her best friend, and I think that the plot line was well writing and thought out. I think that the rising action could be more in depth and have more details about Aliah’s life. I also think that you should have more events leading up to her letting her secret out, instead of spilling the beans too soon. Great story!!
The Secret Life of ELaine- One thing is that you said that when Elaine aws born her brother was two, and you indicated that one year went past, so how could her brother drive her to school, and how can Elaine be in high school already?I like how you indicated taht time went past. You could be a little more descriptive about the setting. I like the choice of words you chose to use.You could explain how her friends found out about her dad dieing.One more thing is add a little rising action to lead up to leting us know about her dad being dead, like you did with Elaine being found in the woods. otherwise the story was good
“Friday the 13th” I found it a great story it was nice because I couldn’t predict what was going to happen next. And that I found it suspenseful and that’s how I like my stories I so I wanted to keep reading. I liked it how there were parts in the story where you think something is going to happen bad but nothing happen. Things I think you should do to improve are make it a little more intense by having something bad happens. And I think that when you have an exciting part you should make it last longer and have more things happen during it. Another thing you should do is make your ending better I liked your beginning a lot but your ending had no excitement or suspense in it so it didn’t make me think what’s going to happen next which is what I like but great story.
This story was very good. Great details of how the characters looked and how they felt. Some of the quotes however were a little confusing and you repeated yourself a couple of times. I think the title really fits this story and it was a good choice. I do believe though that the parents incident should have been explained more and not rushed into. But it most certainly did go from the best day to the worst. Well Done!
OMG what a great story! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time when i was reading it. I like how you described the characters and the setting. I have read many mafia stories in my time and this is truly one of the best. I like how you kept the story in great order so it wasn't hard to understand. You did a good job on spelling and punctuation.
At the end, you could have described how bad the prison was a little more and you could have been a little more descriptive during the fight scene. Also, the ending came kind of quick. All and all this story was two thumbs up.
I think you could use more detail in the introduction. When you introduce Jason, explaine what he looks like. Explaine what Jennifer and the other people are wearing. State what the group of people did before prom, like: did they go out to eat?, who drove and what did they ride in? Discribe the other girl that he was having an affair with. I think there was more diologe the an expination. I didn't like the ending, on how the prom would have been on the news, or why other people would follow them. You could state what made Jason want to kill Jennifer in the first place.
“Home Again” I have to say this was the best short story I have read during this whole thing. I was very impressed. The character’s where well developed. The setting could have been better put together. Overall I was very impressed with this story. When you were going through the girls life I believe you could have made it more apperent when she changed age. But applaud on story.
“Not What You Expected” I thought it was a pretty good story but I couldn’t really figure out what the climax was supposed to be. I liked how you anticipated the show that was coming up and had all the preshow hype that was there but the ending was kind of abrupt. Didn’t really understand the whole gay thing but that’s fine because the setting was great.
This story really goes with the title. It wasn't at all what I expected. It was very good! It hooked me from the beginning. I really loved all the details about the characters and what they thought of themselves and others. The rising action really drove me to keep reading and the climax was very surprising. There was quite a few spelling and grammer errors. There was a little bit of stereotyping about girls. Maybe next time the writer might want to read it out loud and it might be easier to catch some of the mistakes. You could also have explained the setting a little more throughout the story. Over all it was a great story and I liked reading it.
WOW what a magnificant story!!! There are a few punctuation errors that could easily be changed. You also every so often switched from third person to first person. The ending came really fast and it was kinda weird that he got pulled right away in the game. You should of let him play the game longer and put some more suspense into the game.
I thought the story was good; Way to keep with just following one character and not many otherwise would have gotten confusing. I thought that it was unbelievable that she was on the eighth grade basketball team when she was just in fifth grade. The story jumped around a little and got confusing to read at some points but the story was put together very well. Camille was described goodly, easy to picture what she would look like. The ending was kind of predictable as I read on but never the less it was a good ending.
Charlie, you're supposed to take your name off before you save it to the S drive! Anyway, the story was really good. It read smoothly and seemed well-researched. I liked that the story was broken into chronological pieces, with the most important event illustrated. The details and plot were concentrated enough to be effective, even when covering a man’s whole life. I don’t know if it was much of a “short” story, though. The piece felt like a historical fiction, with a lot of basis grounded in solid fact. A few suggestions: proofread, especially towards the end – spelling starts to get lazy, along with punctuation, and consider developing your theme farther. It was a small letdown to find the ending of such a well-written story so undeveloped. If he really wanted to be a criminal, explain it! I understand that he wanted to provide for his family, and that could very well serve as a basis for the theme, but that doesn’t explain how a person could justify 14 murders, along with his other charges. Lastly, if you’re grounding your story in reality, maybe you should consider the chances that a mobster would live like a king in prison. Emphasize the struggle on his familial relationships a little more while he’s in prison; letters and descriptions of their visits, maybe.
It started off good I liked the description, good details but I would of liked to see more on setting for the place that they were at. But when Dara comes into the story you stereotype her right away. Good job on the dialogue, you alternated them well. I like the twist that you have at the end it goes well with the title that you picked for the story. Nice story line it was easy to read and follow.
I felt the phone call was lacking a little personality and help. Try adding some more beginning dialogue before the talks about Jillian. Try to decide where to put this instead of in two spots…think of another way to say the same thing or add more to his mystery. -(Steven has a part of him that nobody knows about besides Jillian. A side that is outgoing, crazy, and spontaneous. He felt very comfortable while he was with her and he finally opened himself up to someone.) Decide if the setting is going to be a dorm room or an apartment(I think you are going to want to make it an apartment so your other descriptions will work.). We need more setting to picture him sitting there thinking (there wouldn’t be a kitchen table in a dorm room or a bathroom unless it was a quad.)
I like the flashback it is a nice change of pace. Your suspense was perfect. You built the reader right up to the climax. Your development of Steven was outstanding.
Aliah's Secret- I like how you explained the characters.You could have explained the setting better. You did an excellent job on explaining why Aliah wouldn't change in the locker room. You could have more diologe, but otherwise i enjoyed the story.
“Friday the 13th” This story was pretty good. It was short and sweet. You were able to keep my attention. The plot line was easy to follow. You where able to describe the characters pretty well. The setting was well described. This story I would recommend to others.
This story had well-defined settings, an interesting premise, and a strong theme. The descriptions that carry the reader from the characters mind to reality are valuable; they hold the piece together, and it’s very well done. The idea that the piece revolves around something common to teenagers, but rare to discussions, adds to its value. Overall, the spelling and grammar really needs to be looked at. In some places, it’s hard to even follow the story through all of the mental corrections needed to read it. If the run-on sentences were fixed, the correct punctuation employed, and the word choices were reconsidered, this would be an outstanding contemporary piece.
Wow! This was a great story! I really enjoyed how Jim and his friend went to the mall. You were very descriptive and I like how you kept it in 3rd person the whole time. I was on the edge of my seat wondering what Jim and Harry were going to do next. Also, I liked the price of the headphones. You did a good job with spelling and punctuation.
You could have described what Jim and harry look like in greater detail and you could have talked more about his mom's reaction when he asked her for the headphones. Also, you could have described the cold weather a little more. But, whoever wrote this is a great writer and i look forward to your stories in the future.
This was an amazing story!!! I like how you use flashbacks in it. It was very well organized and very ddiscriptive. I like the way that you useed a newspaper artical in it, that was a great idea. I love all the detail in it. The ending makes me want to keep reading. I still want to know if he gets his daughter or not.
The story does fallow the original story line of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” but it still interests me. When you type up your rough draft you should have someone read it to check it for errors such as the punctuation. When righting quotes use “…” instead of ‘’…’’. Another thing that the story could use is a few more quotes. The ending is really lets you go soft and don’t just leave you hanging.
“Not Knowing” Story really caught my attention and had me hooked. The beginning was a little confusing what she was going to do could have described that a little better. It would have helped to describe the setting and the people a little more so I could picture it better. Ending of the story was great; a little confusing why she ran out there yelling for him back and then just agreed and walked back inside. But otherwise very good plot line!Good Job!
I found this story amazing! it is really descriptive on how you described the buildings and history in the beginning. It was nice and long and I didn’t want to stop reading it. And that I could picture everything that was happening like I was there. What I didn’t like about this story was that in the beginning it had too much description and I got kind of bored of that and couldn’t wait to get to a different part.
Wow! What a great story! Just make sure that you watch your spelling. Maybe try to describe how long Chase liked Alyssa before that day. Also maybe try to say that he was nervous and never talked to her before of something. Great detail on Alyssa though. Great emotion in the story it kept me wanting to read more. Great description of the school hallways as well. Overall fantastic story!
“Travis Patron” The best part of this story is the title. Seriously where were the climax and the actions? It was to blah. But I liked the descriptions you gave about the family and there house. Character description was good. There were a lot of grammar mistakes that could easily be fixed. It was a good plot line you could just make it a little longer or have more excitement in there. Otherwise it was good.
What a magnificant story!!!!! One of the best I read!!!! Your introduction was descent but you could of been allittle more descriptive. Aslo, explain the characters alittle more. explain more of what they did before prom and who is going with who to it. This story had alot of dialogue. Kinda hard to follow just reading dialogue. THe ending was different but I guess it could happen. Otherwise this story was pretty good!!!
"The Big Game" John Richards is a cool name. It really caught my attention. I liked the school of choice in Marquette. Awesome sentence structure and dialogue was perfect. I wish he could have went to Mc'Donalds to eat. That would have put some suspence in the story. Should have fixed the first person to third person. Some spelling errors. Overall, this story rocked Cody Casper's moms world.
The story has too much blending of times one minute you are talking about them looking for the house and the next minute they are in the house. And go into more detail about the description of the house and characters. I like the story line I think it could have used a little spice on the ending like the cops showed up or the owner came and chased them out of the house with his 4 pit-bulls and a fully loaded 12 gauge.
The story got off to a fast start which was good. It had a good story line too. You need to make sure to indent your dialogue when a new person is speaking otherwise your dialogue was good. You had nice details but they were a little difficult to follow so next time maybe try and explain them a little more clearly. Maybe you could have also went on to say how the parents went on to live there life after Travis turned eighteen. You also showed great feelings from the character.
“Unforgivable” Had a good point to the story, very creative! Could have described more about Joe and Jamal so we could understand what they are like and relate to them more throughout the story. Setting wasn’t put into the story very well and was confused sometimes where they were at. The climax was good and had me hooked to find out what would end up happening.
Oh my god this story is one of the best. It was very descriptive and I like how it is easy to read and follow. It has a very good story line and it is very realistic. I think that you could of made it shorter than 12 PAGES though.
"The Tale of Two Travelers" This story reminds me of a mix of The Lord of The Rings and World of WarCraft. I don't think this story could ever happen in my lifetime. I wish people would have died in this story. Sweet story nonetheless. I wish the story could have kept going on. I was at the edge of my seat the whole time. I did'nt really know where this was taking place. Nice story!!
Good Story. Make sure you watch your spelling. Describe the characters more in depth and the setting could possibly described a little more in depth. It was a good plot line and with some minor adjustments this could be a great story. I liked the way he got the extra soda and was very nervous to take it. Also don't end the paragraphs so abruptly. All in all its a good story.
I thought the story was good at first but then got boring to read. It began to drag on after the first page and a half. I thought the story would have been alot better if steven would have found a new person in his life instead of jillian, it made him sound kind of like a stalker. The ending was good had a nice twist to it. The character really showed desire.
“The Game of Life” I found this story really good because it reminded me of a classic old story I read once. I couldn’t really stop reading I always kept thinking what’s going to happen next .I liked how everyone kept dyeing in a different way and that they talk about people dyeing and stuff I like violence in stories. Things I thought could be better are how it kind of speed threw the main part of the story. I think you spent too much time on the beginning. The ending was kind of boring I thought something exciting was going to happen but I guess not it was kind of disappointing but it was still a good story.
“Not Knowing” This story was amazing. No lies. Hands down the best that I read so far and it deserves an A+ fo sho. There was a great plot line and great details on everything with great description of the characters. I can relate to this story from my life slightly. There could have been a little more explanation about their secret lives but it was well rounded yet. GREAT JOB!
It started off good but then when you got to the dialogue you didn’t indent so it was hard to follow. You had very nice details on Travis but could have gone a little more in depth with his mom and dad.
“The End” This was a great story! I thought that the plot had very good detail and you can tell that the whole story was thought out very carefully. You put great detail into everything that Chase was feeling and explained everything very well. The only compliment that I have is to explain more about the feelings that he has while in the hospital and what he’s thinking. I loved the story and it kept my attention the whole way through it and I didn’t lose interest. I also liked how the story was played out over months, because it makes it more believable and realistic. There were a few spelling errors and but the setting and explanations were wonderful!! Great job.
“Travis Patron” I think this story is good I like how you described everything and how it sounds like a normal life it kind of reminded me of life I know but . I think you should have made it more interesting it like nothing happen until the end but it all happened in a quick 5 seconds but good story.
“Chase that matters” It was a very intersting story, it kept me interested the entire time. The flow was nice and smooth, easy to fallow. Chase seemed like an actual person and human being…desterbed but human. I liked thetwist at the end when his girl friend cheated on him, it just confused me when he was happy to see her when she visited him in the sych ward. Wouldn’t he have been angry to see her? But as a reader I let it go. The diologe was nicely balanced, but I personaly would start a new paragreph when a new speacker started speaking. Don’t be afraid to use “and” and apostropheeswhen describing what a character is doing.
It started great. It really made me want to read on and find out what Addison was keeping from Andrew. I didn't really get what the point of Addison going to a friends house to do nothing when she could have just called her. Also why wouldn't the happy couple spend there engagement night together? Other than that I think it was very realistic and had good details. There are a few grammar mistakes that you could catch if you would have read it out loud. Overall I liked reading it and it kept me interested.
“Unforgivable” It would have been nice to see more of the two friend’s relationship. Using setting will help expand the story and add to the situations. Describe the houses, what they played with, the car, ect. Try to build up the climax a little more so that the story doesn’t seem so abstract. Make the falling action more descriptive. I did like the uniqueness of the story and the characters. The end was a surprise. Wow! I think the exact times and favorite places to eat was a nice touch.
“Not Knowing” In one part of the story you say that Andrew breaks it off because he doesn’t have feelings for his secret lover, but then in another part you say that he does, I think that the story contradicts itself and goes back and forth making the reader confused. There were also some spelling and grammar mistakes, but they were simple and could be fixed easily. I was a little confused at the end of why Addison ran after Andrew and then just walked back in not really saying anything but agreeing with him. Also at the end you said that it would take Andrew time before he would realize that Addison wanted to be with him, but you have to remember that she is hurt to and they are both in the same situation. I thought that the descriptions of the characters were great and very detailed. The story caught my attention from the start to the end, and had good twists in it to make it interesting. I like how you leave the reader wanting to know what happens next.
"Unknown" I thought that you had a very good plotline and i liked how you made him think everything was going to work out and then it didn't but yet it did. I was a little confused though how you said that was your cousin and you were holding hands and that he kissed you. Great character descriptions and very good detailed settings.
"Prom Night" I thought the whole story in general went pretty fast, and you just jumped from one place to the next. You didn't really give descriptions of the settins and characters also. The plot line was interesting and good though. You should have slowed it down a little bit and covered more stuff at each of the places. Good job!
Good luck 2nd hour!
ReplyDeletePlease write effective and positive responses.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletehi there
ReplyDeletehi
ReplyDelete"The Big Game"
ReplyDeleteThe beginning was god, but use more discription, and explain more on how he got hurt and discribe how the crowd is acting. Closer to the end of the first page, you went from third person point of view to first peson. I think the story is better in a first person pooint of view. When the reporters talk to John, use different words then just ask. Explaine how John was picked to go play in Chicago. I did't really like how it ended suddenly.
Tiny T
ReplyDeleteboo
ReplyDelete“Not Kept Promises”
ReplyDeleteA few suggestions would be:
Look a little more into how college works only because if you live in the state you would have visited the campus before you got there and Basketball practice wouldn’t start until winter, ect. Also maybe talk about the beginning of the year and how Camille acted. You tend to tell the story and about the characters but you are not showing us them. Use actions and how they talk to give us more an idea of them. Adding setting and actions will not only keep the reader in but add length to the story.
I love how different Camille is. You did a very nice job describing her and making her original. I like how you can tall a lot about the characters from how they talk. The theme of the story was prominent. Good Job!
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ReplyDelete"Friday The 13th"
ReplyDeleteWOW!!! That got really intense for a while!! I was scared for Alicia and Mark. What happened on the way there? Was there really a man on the side of the road? This story was amazing, and it kind of reminded me of our junior class because the girls were hanging with upper classmen. This is a awesome story with a good ending! The climax was so unpredictable. Recomended for all! There is not much to suggest because it was awesome, but the one thing I could say was that it kind of ended quick from the transition of being scared to everything being alright. It would have been better if someone got killed! ;)
"The Best Day to the Worst"
ReplyDeleteThis story was very catching it kept me hooked. I loved the story it was something that is relatable because it could really happen in life. I also loved the main character because she was a person that high school girls can relate to.
I had a problem with the story flowing easily, I would get really into it and then it seemed that it got choppy. I think that you should make the spaces for when a new person talks so that it runs easier. But all together a Great story line.
"The Tale of Two Travelers"
ReplyDeleteGreat Story! You used great description at the start and I understood fully what was going on during the story. You also didn't have any grammar errors and your dialogue was great.
Three things that you could fix with your story is the ending came kind of abruptly and I was waiting for more. You could also be a little more descriptive about the characters and you could describe the setting a little more.
“Elaine’s Secret Life”
ReplyDeleteThe story has good potential in it. The main character needs to be developed more. After her father dies expand more on how she felt and how exactly she was affected. When you introduce the character and described her it was good but you left it at that. Blend more details of her in the story; add more on her personality. I also believe you should introduce Francis as her brother first before you actually use his name otherwise it is confusing. When I first read over it I thought you were talking about her dad. The dialogue was a little redundant. Someone said this, someone exclaimed that. Broaden the way you introduce dialogue.
"Aliah's Secret"
ReplyDeleteGreat descriptions of the characters, but maybe try to describe the setting in more detail. Also a great use of tags for quotations in different parts of the sentences. You also described how the modern life is and how people start rumors on stuff like that. It really depicted real life. Just try to watch the spelling because in th first paragraph Raquelle was spelt different. Also make sure when you start a new paragraph that you indent. Otherwise this story was very good.
Home Again-
ReplyDeleteyou really made me enjoy this story. you kept things the same way through out the story. when you went to the past you indicated it and made sure it wasn't confusing.one thing you can change is that you could change the name back to the origional name of the dad at the end. i love that you told us later or more towards the end of the story on how everything happend.
Home Agains a great story you should read it :P
ReplyDeleteNight of Prom- GREAT STORY READ IT.....OR ELSE!!!!!!!!!lol
ReplyDelete"Go Big or Go Home"
ReplyDeleteGood Story!Really caught my attention i liked how you described the girls in details and really let us know what they are like.The setting was put in the story very uniquely,but got into good detail. Story was kind of predictable.Could have worked on more shock value,but otherwise good job!
"The Big Game"
ReplyDeleteThe story line is interesting very good attention getting but there are a few minor punctuation errors that could be over looked. Another thing that kind of confused me is the fact you when from third person to first person. I like the fact that you fallowed the same path and only had one plot and theme and the ending was kind of sudden and I didn’t expect the fact in the first few second of the game he was pulled because of his injury. I also think that you should have mentioned who won the game
~~Black Magic~~
oops wrong forum sorry teehee.
ReplyDeleteI think everybodys stories are RAD
ReplyDelete"The Best Day to the Worst"
ReplyDeleteWow! Great Story! You had a great story line and I was always wondering what was going to happen next. That really was the best day to the worst. I like how you described the characters in great detail. It wasn't confusing at all when I was reading it.
At the end, her parent's death came pretty quick and you could have described it more. You also could have put the grandma in a little more. You could have talked about her car a little more because at the start it was pretty much the main point.
"Not Kept Promises"
ReplyDeleteYou had very good descriptions of the characters. I actually visualized of what they looked like. Tell more of what's going on in her life. You should have told more up to the point of when she's going to college becuase you kind of just jumped to that. The plot line was very good becuase it's making people think twice about drinking and driving. There are lessons to be learned from this also. If you have dreams and want to achieve them don't let other things get in the way such as drinking. One other thing that it's telling us is that don't let friends do that kind of stuff, take control of the situation.
Overall this story was very good, just needs minor changes.
Group 7 - The Game Of Life
ReplyDeleteThis story held my attention very well throughout the entire piece; the details were realistic and easy to picture. The theme was pretty easy to pick out and went along with the events smoothly. The settings are well-defined throughout the piece as well, being descriptive enough to make it real without being wordy. Some basic proofreading would help the story come across smoother: tense changes and awkward wording make it difficult to hold the story’s flow at times. The gore is only slightly excessive, but could be more tasteful with just a little bit less description. Maybe to combat this, the murder scenes could have more description about the people’s reactions than the actual bodies. Other than that, the scenery is very effective. Lastly, a quick skim through to make sure the story connects could bring this piece a lot farther. For instance, I wasn’t quite sure why the main character needed to wait two hours before opening his letter if it only told him to show up at the mansion the following morning anyway.
"Unforgivable"
ReplyDeleteGreat story! Great decription of characters. Good use of tags used throught the story. I like the ending, it left me hanging but it would of been nice if you went longer with the story and descibed more of what happened. You had some spelling and grammar errors but those can be changed anytime. You kinda went throught the stopry really fast and didn't put in any details of what is going on.
"Hotties and Hiltons"
ReplyDeleteVery good description of everything! I was very impressed of the choice of words you used. They were very descriptive and it made the story sound fantastic. I also liked how you made the story sound like a actual high schooler talking, most stories that use a high school character don't use that type of language. A few suggestions would be too correct some of the punctuations and tabs. You forgot to indent lots of times and when someone is done talking you have to keep the paragraph after it. (I don't know if you know what I mean but talk to Mrs. Gilson about it, I'm sure that she will be able to help you) The story also ended kind of quickly too. Overall, Great story and very well written and interesting.
"From the Best Day to the Worst"
ReplyDeleteAwsome beginning to the story. It really caught my attention. Serious ending to the story. That was real unfortunate for Michelle. That would suck. I wish I would have known what car she was going to get though. Story changed drastically. Overall, AWSOME story.
"The Tale of Two Travelers"
ReplyDeleteThis was a good story!! I think that if you add more to the beginning, some more detail to the rest of the story, and if you add more on to the end, you could end up writting a novel. This story kept me wanting to read more. I would like to know what happenes on the quest that the wizard wanted them for. Awesome job!
Cold Day-
ReplyDeleteI thoguht the story was kind of boring.One thing i didn't like is that you ended the story. it feels like you didn't finish it. I liked that you told us why the boys didn't have school. I also liked taht you told us where they live. You could tell us how old Harry was. You could aslo add a little supition in the story.
“Cold Day”
ReplyDeleteIn this story you should really describe what this story is going to be about. In the beginning of the story and by the title I thought it was going to be about a cold day and that was going to be the plot. Instead I found out at the end it is all about the gift he was getting. The story did not keep my interest. There were a lot of random details that do not need to be in the story. The need for the headphones needs to be expanded more. Like why did he want the headphones over the jerseys?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"Night of Prom"
ReplyDeleteThis was a good story. One suggestion would be to describe the characters a little more and describe the setting. Very nice use of different tags and alot of dialogue. Also i would say that don't end the paragraphs so abruptly, add a little more detail. Good description on what can happen in a relationship and how fast things can change for better or worse. Otherwise it was a great story.
"Sammy's Way"
ReplyDeleteThis story is bad ass.
Group 7 - "Mountain Dew Factory"
ReplyDeleteWilly Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? This piece follows the basic premise of a different story but I’ll fill this out anyway. First, there were unique details in the story that made it more interesting. The twist at the end was also unexpected. The description of the settings was well done. The theme doesn’t seem to exist, though. If the story were developed more, maybe a theme would start to develop. The proofreading should be checked on the piece as well, things like tense changes and misspellings seem to pop up every once in awhile. Lastly, the story line could use a little more structure; why does the temperature change in his room? Is the tour guide a robot? How did the news stations know he had won the contest?
“Elaines Secret Life”
ReplyDelete1. There were a few spelling mistakes.
2. Instead of having it spread out so much maybe you could have done it in like 2 years and explains it more.
3. I think you could go into more detail with her emotions.
1. I like the story line a lot.
2. I like the twist in the story about how her dad died and how she changed so much.
3. I like the ending and how it leaves you wondering what happened to her.
“Cold Day”
ReplyDelete1. A few spelling mistakes and little things that could be corrected.
2. The ending could have been differently or talked about more.
3. Maybe you could have used more variety instead of saying said or other words after using quotations.
1. I liked how it stuck to what Jim wanted to get for his birthday.
2. I liked the relationship Jim had with his friend and his mom.
3. I like how you kept the story all in one day and didn’t drag it out.
"Prom Night"
ReplyDeleteit was a very interesting story. the characters were well thaught out, it moved reletively smoothly. the only thing is that jason wouldn't have droped his gun just because gregg showed up and she wouldn't have gone with him to begin with affter he hurt her like that. but her feelings were pertrayed nicely, i could tell why she was thing wat she was thinking the entire tome. the part at the start confused me though, u were talkin about jason and then suddenly made a coment about gregg without intraducing him, i thenk it would have run more smoothly if you put the fact that he liked her after she started dancing with him, but it was over all a very nice story. nice job.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete“Friday 13th”
ReplyDeleteI liked the story line but I feel that you could have gone into detail on what the four of them looked like and some more of Mark and Drakes personality. I have to admit it sent shivers down my spine when the lights went out and Mark happened to disappear. The ending was an easy let down not like a sudden or abrupt stop. But in my opinion it was a very good story
~~Black Magic~~
“Sammy’s Way”
ReplyDeleteGood description on the setting helped me picture the story as it was. One thing I was a little confused about was when someone was talking, dialogue was a little off at times. I liked how you described the family and the issues with the family so we knew how things have gone in the past. Overall intense good story, really kept me hooked while reading it!
“A Tale of Two Travelers”
ReplyDeleteI love the imagery. You did a great job on setting in the beginning. The humor in the story present by the characters is good and not forced. Nice! I like how the dialogue really adds to the story and the characters.
Spell out numbers in the story (four instead of 4). Describe the woods and more of the action in the end. The story seems to end abruptly. Dragging out the fight will prevent that. Try not to capitalize the whole sentence. Emphasizing a couple words or only one will have the same effect - (“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!?!” Draculain whispered in a firm voice)
“Night of Prom”
ReplyDeleteI think that you could have given a little information on Jennifer and Jason’s relationship in the past, and play that into the story a little. I think that the story line in catchy and has good ideas. There could have been a little more detail about the prom, explaining the setting and people. The story made me want to keep reading it and the ending was a surprise, which made it even better. I like how you have the friend that wants more than the friendship, and I like how the story ends up playing out.
"Game Day"
ReplyDeleteWOW what a great story. You had a wonderful character description. You used tags thoughtout the story in different parts of your sentences. This story was so cute and put a tear in my eye.
Every so often you forgot to indent for a new person speeking but that it fine. Instead of just cruiseing throught the game part you could of lengthened the story by saying what all happened throughout the game and what happened with her and her father.
"Cold Day"
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is WOW!!!! This story was fascinating from the first word to the last!! I was interested the whole time!!!I don't even know what to type write now because I am in awe! Whoever wrote this story deserves an A+++++ Fo sho!! This is a masterpiece of literature. If this person made this short story into a novel, it could stand by "To Kill a Mockingbird, Lord of The Flies, Animal Farm, Native Son, and Paddy Whacked." This story really amazes me and I have no suggestions!!! A masterpiece!!!
“Aliah’s Secret”
ReplyDeleteI think that this is a very interesting story, and I like how she understands her friend’s feelings instead of turning against her. I think that in high school it is very hard because you are expected to be a certain way and if your outside of the circle you feel left you. I think Aliah took a very big step by telling her best friend, and I think that the plot line was well writing and thought out. I think that the rising action could be more in depth and have more details about Aliah’s life. I also think that you should have more events leading up to her letting her secret out, instead of spilling the beans too soon. Great story!!
The Secret Life of ELaine-
ReplyDeleteOne thing is that you said that when Elaine aws born her brother was two, and you indicated that one year went past, so how could her brother drive her to school, and how can Elaine be in high school already?I like how you indicated taht time went past. You could be a little more descriptive about the setting. I like the choice of words you chose to use.You could explain how her friends found out about her dad dieing.One more thing is add a little rising action to lead up to leting us know about her dad being dead, like you did with Elaine being found in the woods. otherwise the story was good
“Friday the 13th”
ReplyDeleteI found it a great story it was nice because I couldn’t predict what was going to happen next. And that I found it suspenseful and that’s how I like my stories I so I wanted to keep reading. I liked it how there were parts in the story where you think something is going to happen bad but nothing happen.
Things I think you should do to improve are make it a little more intense by having something bad happens. And I think that when you have an exciting part you should make it last longer and have more things happen during it. Another thing you should do is make your ending better I liked your beginning a lot but your ending had no excitement or suspense in it so it didn’t make me think what’s going to happen next which is what I like but great story.
"From the Best Day to the Worst"
ReplyDeleteThis story was very good. Great details of how the characters looked and how they felt. Some of the quotes however were a little confusing and you repeated yourself a couple of times. I think the title really fits this story and it was a good choice. I do believe though that the parents incident should have been explained more and not rushed into. But it most certainly did go from the best day to the worst.
Well Done!
"Sammy's Way"
ReplyDeleteOMG what a great story! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time when i was reading it. I like how you described the characters and the setting. I have read many mafia stories in my time and this is truly one of the best. I like how you kept the story in great order so it wasn't hard to understand. You did a good job on spelling and punctuation.
At the end, you could have described how bad the prison was a little more and you could have been a little more descriptive during the fight scene. Also, the ending came kind of quick. All and all this story was two thumbs up.
"Prom Night"
ReplyDeleteI think you could use more detail in the introduction. When you introduce Jason, explaine what he looks like. Explaine what Jennifer and the other people are wearing. State what the group of people did before prom, like: did they go out to eat?, who drove and what did they ride in? Discribe the other girl that he was having an affair with. I think there was more diologe the an expination. I didn't like the ending, on how the prom would have been on the news, or why other people would follow them. You could state what made Jason want to kill Jennifer in the first place.
“Home Again”
ReplyDeleteI have to say this was the best short story I have read during this whole thing. I was very impressed. The character’s where well developed. The setting could have been better put together. Overall I was very impressed with this story. When you were going through the girls life I believe you could have made it more apperent when she changed age. But applaud on story.
“Not What You Expected”
ReplyDeleteI thought it was a pretty good story but I couldn’t really figure out what the climax was supposed to be. I liked how you anticipated the show that was coming up and had all the preshow hype that was there but the ending was kind of abrupt. Didn’t really understand the whole gay thing but that’s fine because the setting was great.
"Not What You Expected"
ReplyDeleteThis story really goes with the title. It wasn't at all what I expected. It was very good! It hooked me from the beginning. I really loved all the details about the characters and what they thought of themselves and others. The rising action really drove me to keep reading and the climax was very surprising. There was quite a few spelling and grammer errors. There was a little bit of stereotyping about girls. Maybe next time the writer might want to read it out loud and it might be easier to catch some of the mistakes. You could also have explained the setting a little more throughout the story. Over all it was a great story and I liked reading it.
"The Big Game"
ReplyDeleteWOW what a magnificant story!!! There are a few punctuation errors that could easily be changed. You also every so often switched from third person to first person. The ending came really fast and it was kinda weird that he got pulled right away in the game. You should of let him play the game longer and put some more suspense into the game.
“Not Kept Promises”
ReplyDeleteI thought the story was good; Way to keep with just following one character and not many otherwise would have gotten confusing. I thought that it was unbelievable that she was on the eighth grade basketball team when she was just in fifth grade. The story jumped around a little and got confusing to read at some points but the story was put together very well. Camille was described goodly, easy to picture what she would look like. The ending was kind of predictable as I read on but never the less it was a good ending.
Group 7 - "Sammy's Way"
ReplyDeleteCharlie, you're supposed to take your name off before you save it to the S drive! Anyway, the story was really good. It read smoothly and seemed well-researched. I liked that the story was broken into chronological pieces, with the most important event illustrated. The details and plot were concentrated enough to be effective, even when covering a man’s whole life. I don’t know if it was much of a “short” story, though. The piece felt like a historical fiction, with a lot of basis grounded in solid fact. A few suggestions: proofread, especially towards the end – spelling starts to get lazy, along with punctuation, and consider developing your theme farther. It was a small letdown to find the ending of such a well-written story so undeveloped. If he really wanted to be a criminal, explain it! I understand that he wanted to provide for his family, and that could very well serve as a basis for the theme, but that doesn’t explain how a person could justify 14 murders, along with his other charges. Lastly, if you’re grounding your story in reality, maybe you should consider the chances that a mobster would live like a king in prison. Emphasize the struggle on his familial relationships a little more while he’s in prison; letters and descriptions of their visits, maybe.
"The Big Game"
ReplyDeleteIs this guy black or white???
“Not What You Expected”
ReplyDeleteIt started off good I liked the description, good details but I would of liked to see more on setting for the place that they were at. But when Dara comes into the story you stereotype her right away. Good job on the dialogue, you alternated them well. I like the twist that you have at the end it goes well with the title that you picked for the story. Nice story line it was easy to read and follow.
“Unknown”
ReplyDeleteI felt the phone call was lacking a little personality and help. Try adding some more beginning dialogue before the talks about Jillian. Try to decide where to put this instead of in two spots…think of another way to say the same thing or add more to his mystery. -(Steven has a part of him that nobody knows about besides Jillian. A side that is outgoing, crazy, and spontaneous. He felt very comfortable while he was with her and he finally opened himself up to someone.) Decide if the setting is going to be a dorm room or an apartment(I think you are going to want to make it an apartment so your other descriptions will work.). We need more setting to picture him sitting there thinking (there wouldn’t be a kitchen table in a dorm room or a bathroom unless it was a quad.)
I like the flashback it is a nice change of pace. Your suspense was perfect. You built the reader right up to the climax. Your development of Steven was outstanding.
Aliah's Secret-
ReplyDeleteI like how you explained the characters.You could have explained the setting better. You did an excellent job on explaining why Aliah wouldn't change in the locker room. You could have more diologe, but otherwise i enjoyed the story.
“Friday the 13th”
ReplyDeleteThis story was pretty good. It was short and sweet. You were able to keep my attention. The plot line was easy to follow. You where able to describe the characters pretty well. The setting was well described. This story I would recommend to others.
Unforgiveable - group 7
ReplyDeleteThis story had well-defined settings, an interesting premise, and a strong theme. The descriptions that carry the reader from the characters mind to reality are valuable; they hold the piece together, and it’s very well done. The idea that the piece revolves around something common to teenagers, but rare to discussions, adds to its value. Overall, the spelling and grammar really needs to be looked at. In some places, it’s hard to even follow the story through all of the mental corrections needed to read it. If the run-on sentences were fixed, the correct punctuation employed, and the word choices were reconsidered, this would be an outstanding contemporary piece.
"A Cold Day"
ReplyDeleteWow! This was a great story! I really enjoyed how Jim and his friend went to the mall. You were very descriptive and I like how you kept it in 3rd person the whole time. I was on the edge of my seat wondering what Jim and Harry were going to do next. Also, I liked the price of the headphones. You did a good job with spelling and punctuation.
You could have described what Jim and harry look like in greater detail and you could have talked more about his mom's reaction when he asked her for the headphones. Also, you could have described the cold weather a little more. But, whoever wrote this is a great writer and i look forward to your stories in the future.
"Home Again"
ReplyDeleteThis was an amazing story!!! I like how you use flashbacks in it. It was very well organized and very ddiscriptive. I like the way that you useed a newspaper artical in it, that was a great idea. I love all the detail in it. The ending makes me want to keep reading. I still want to know if he gets his daughter or not.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete“Mountain Dew Factory”
ReplyDeleteThe story does fallow the original story line of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” but it still interests me. When you type up your rough draft you should have someone read it to check it for errors such as the punctuation. When righting quotes use “…” instead of ‘’…’’. Another thing that the story could use is a few more quotes. The ending is really lets you go soft and don’t just leave you hanging.
~~Black Magic~~
“Not Knowing”
ReplyDeleteStory really caught my attention and had me hooked. The beginning was a little confusing what she was going to do could have described that a little better. It would have helped to describe the setting and the people a little more so I could picture it better. Ending of the story was great; a little confusing why she ran out there yelling for him back and then just agreed and walked back inside. But otherwise very good plot line!Good Job!
“Hotties and Hiltons”
ReplyDeleteI found this story amazing! it is really descriptive on how you described the buildings and history in the beginning. It was nice and long and I didn’t want to stop reading it. And that I could picture everything that was happening like I was there.
What I didn’t like about this story was that in the beginning it had too much description and I got kind of bored of that and couldn’t wait to get to a different part.
"The End"
ReplyDeleteWow! What a great story! Just make sure that you watch your spelling. Maybe try to describe how long Chase liked Alyssa before that day. Also maybe try to say that he was nervous and never talked to her before of something. Great detail on Alyssa though. Great emotion in the story it kept me wanting to read more. Great description of the school hallways as well. Overall fantastic story!
“Travis Patron”
ReplyDeleteThe best part of this story is the title. Seriously where were the climax and the actions? It was to blah. But I liked the descriptions you gave about the family and there house. Character description was good. There were a lot of grammar mistakes that could easily be fixed. It was a good plot line you could just make it a little longer or have more excitement in there. Otherwise it was good.
"Night of Prom"
ReplyDeleteWhat a magnificant story!!!!! One of the best I read!!!! Your introduction was descent but you could of been allittle more descriptive. Aslo, explain the characters alittle more. explain more of what they did before prom and who is going with who to it. This story had alot of dialogue. Kinda hard to follow just reading dialogue. THe ending was different but I guess it could happen. Otherwise this story was pretty good!!!
"The Big Game"
ReplyDeleteJohn Richards is a cool name. It really caught my attention. I liked the school of choice in Marquette. Awesome sentence structure and dialogue was perfect. I wish he could have went to Mc'Donalds to eat. That would have put some suspence in the story. Should have fixed the first person to third person. Some spelling errors. Overall, this story rocked Cody Casper's moms world.
Whos NEMO
ReplyDeleteWHos dory
ReplyDelete“Unforgivable”
ReplyDeleteThe story has too much blending of times one minute you are talking about them looking for the house and the next minute they are in the house. And go into more detail about the description of the house and characters. I like the story line I think it could have used a little spice on the ending like the cops showed up or the owner came and chased them out of the house with his 4 pit-bulls and a fully loaded 12 gauge.
~~Black Magic~~
"Travis Patron"
ReplyDeleteThe story got off to a fast start which was good. It had a good story line too. You need to make sure to indent your dialogue when a new person is speaking otherwise your dialogue was good. You had nice details but they were a little difficult to follow so next time maybe try and explain them a little more clearly. Maybe you could have also went on to say how the parents went on to live there life after Travis turned eighteen. You also showed great feelings from the character.
“Unforgivable”
ReplyDeleteHad a good point to the story, very creative! Could have described more about Joe and Jamal so we could understand what they are like and relate to them more throughout the story. Setting wasn’t put into the story very well and was confused sometimes where they were at. The climax was good and had me hooked to find out what would end up happening.
“Not Knowing”
ReplyDeleteOh my god this story is one of the best. It was very descriptive and I like how it is easy to read and follow. It has a very good story line and it is very realistic. I think that you could of made it shorter than 12 PAGES though.
"The Tale of Two Travelers"
ReplyDeleteThis story reminds me of a mix of The Lord of The Rings and World of WarCraft. I don't think this story could ever happen in my lifetime. I wish people would have died in this story. Sweet story nonetheless. I wish the story could have kept going on. I was at the edge of my seat the whole time. I did'nt really know where this was taking place.
Nice story!!
"Mountain Dew Factory"
ReplyDeleteGood Story. Make sure you watch your spelling. Describe the characters more in depth and the setting could possibly described a little more in depth. It was a good plot line and with some minor adjustments this could be a great story. I liked the way he got the extra soda and was very nervous to take it. Also don't end the paragraphs so abruptly. All in all its a good story.
Hows sarin
ReplyDelete"unknown by shaunna meyers"
ReplyDeleteI thought the story was good at first but then got boring to read. It began to drag on after the first page and a half. I thought the story would have been alot better if steven would have found a new person in his life instead of jillian, it made him sound kind of like a stalker. The ending was good had a nice twist to it. The character really showed desire.
Nick has NO firends
ReplyDelete“The Game of Life”
ReplyDeleteI found this story really good because it reminded me of a classic old story I read once. I couldn’t really stop reading I always kept thinking what’s going to happen next .I liked how everyone kept dyeing in a different way and that they talk about people dyeing and stuff I like violence in stories.
Things I thought could be better are how it kind of speed threw the main part of the story. I think you spent too much time on the beginning. The ending was kind of boring I thought something exciting was going to happen but I guess not it was kind of disappointing but it was still a good story.
Shaunna has NO friends
ReplyDelete“Not Knowing”
ReplyDeleteThis story was amazing. No lies. Hands down the best that I read so far and it deserves an A+ fo sho. There was a great plot line and great details on everything with great description of the characters. I can relate to this story from my life slightly. There could have been a little more explanation about their secret lives but it was well rounded yet. GREAT JOB!
“Travis Patron”
ReplyDeleteIt started off good but then when you got to the dialogue you didn’t indent so it was hard to follow. You had very nice details on Travis but could have gone a little more in depth with his mom and dad.
“The End”
ReplyDeleteThis was a great story! I thought that the plot had very good detail and you can tell that the whole story was thought out very carefully. You put great detail into everything that Chase was feeling and explained everything very well. The only compliment that I have is to explain more about the feelings that he has while in the hospital and what he’s thinking. I loved the story and it kept my attention the whole way through it and I didn’t lose interest. I also liked how the story was played out over months, because it makes it more believable and realistic. There were a few spelling errors and but the setting and explanations were wonderful!! Great job.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete“Travis Patron”
ReplyDeleteI think this story is good I like how you described everything and how it sounds like a normal life it kind of reminded me of life I know but .
I think you should have made it more interesting it like nothing happen until the end but it all happened in a quick 5 seconds but good story.
"From the best day to the worst"
ReplyDeleteOMG!!!!! THIS IS THE BEST STORY THAT I HAVE EVER READ!!!!!
“Chase that matters”
ReplyDeleteIt was a very intersting story, it kept me interested the entire time. The flow was nice and smooth, easy to fallow. Chase seemed like an actual person and human being…desterbed but human. I liked thetwist at the end when his girl friend cheated on him, it just confused me when he was happy to see her when she visited him in the sych ward. Wouldn’t he have been angry to see her? But as a reader I let it go. The diologe was nicely balanced, but I personaly would start a new paragreph when a new speacker started speaking. Don’t be afraid to use “and” and apostropheeswhen describing what a character is doing.
ill pone u in halo
ReplyDelete"Not Knowing"
ReplyDeleteIt started great. It really made me want to read on and find out what Addison was keeping from Andrew. I didn't really get what the point of Addison going to a friends house to do nothing when she could have just called her. Also why wouldn't the happy couple spend there engagement night together? Other than that I think it was very realistic and had good details. There are a few grammar mistakes that you could catch if you would have read it out loud. Overall I liked reading it and it kept me interested.
come again
ReplyDelete“Unforgivable”
ReplyDeleteIt would have been nice to see more of the two friend’s relationship. Using setting will help expand the story and add to the situations. Describe the houses, what they played with, the car, ect. Try to build up the climax a little more so that the story doesn’t seem so abstract. Make the falling action more descriptive. I did like the uniqueness of the story and the characters. The end was a surprise. Wow! I think the exact times and favorite places to eat was a nice touch.
“Not Knowing”
ReplyDeleteIn one part of the story you say that Andrew breaks it off because he doesn’t have feelings for his secret lover, but then in another part you say that he does, I think that the story contradicts itself and goes back and forth making the reader confused. There were also some spelling and grammar mistakes, but they were simple and could be fixed easily. I was a little confused at the end of why Addison ran after Andrew and then just walked back in not really saying anything but agreeing with him. Also at the end you said that it would take Andrew time before he would realize that Addison wanted to be with him, but you have to remember that she is hurt to and they are both in the same situation. I thought that the descriptions of the characters were great and very detailed. The story caught my attention from the start to the end, and had good twists in it to make it interesting. I like how you leave the reader wanting to know what happens next.
"Unknown"
ReplyDeleteI thought that you had a very good plotline and i liked how you made him think everything was going to work out and then it didn't but yet it did. I was a little confused though how you said that was your cousin and you were holding hands and that he kissed you. Great character descriptions and very good detailed settings.
"Prom Night"
ReplyDeleteI thought the whole story in general went pretty fast, and you just jumped from one place to the next. You didn't really give descriptions of the settins and characters also. The plot line was interesting and good though. You should have slowed it down a little bit and covered more stuff at each of the places. Good job!
thank you for all the wonderful comments on my story! Really helpful.
ReplyDelete