This blog was created for Mrs. Gilson's Creative Writing courses. Students are encouraged to write compliments and suggestions when evaluating students' writing pieces. Please respect everyone's privacy and provide positive remarks.
“Past, Present, Future Scott Calvin” I thought that it was a good story but I didn’t think it was much of a story. I think it was more of a character sketch. It was hard at times to follow along on what the author was saying. It jumped around really bad. I think that transitions should be fixed and it would be a really good story. I liked the story line of the story and I also liked the characters. I think they did a good job at explaining things.
I tell you what thats a good story right there. you mentioned that Joe was a relestate guy twice though onnce in one sentence and then again right after. kind of interupted the story it took away my train of thought and made me look twice at it. other than that it was really good. i didnt expect the ending though i tell you what it sure was good. it could have been a little longer and more leading up to the death of the mother. i did like how the story flowed though i was kept on track and it was a smooth read.
"today" its a good story. i think you should go over spelling and grammer more. i liked the description of jason's day. i als liked the description of jamie. you need more about setting.
Tron 2.0 was interesting,and was pretty good short story, but it could have been longer. Also, it was sort of less dramatic than it seemed to be, but the build was good.
"No Title" I thought that this story was pretty good but was kind of hard to follow at times. There were some places where you needed a period or comma but there wasn't one. I liked the end of the story, and wanted to keep reading more. You could of described the setting a litte more. Overall I thought it was a good story.
I like the fact that you incorporate Scott's entire life into this story; however for a short story it spreads over too long of a time span. Other than that, it was pretty decent. You used a good amount of dialogue which kept the story running smoothly. Make sure you watch your word choice and try not to switch from present to past tense.
"John Chittwood" i think this is a good story. i liked the description of john chittwood. you need more about the setting. i like how john ends up getting ron's company.
I thought the introduction paragraph was really intriguing. I liked the description of his morning and his thoughts. One thing I would do is proof-read a bit more, there were some spots that didn’t seem to make much sense because of the wording. I also thought the detail of the workplace was good, but the same concept may have been repeated too much. I would maybe make Jason sound a little less heartbroken about Rachel if he is going to be so eager to take Jamie out on a date as well, but I liked the description of her (Jamie).
"Leftovers"- make sure you start new paragraphs when you do quotes, cause sometimes I didn't know what was going on. To me though, I did like the story. Your wording could also be better in this story too. However, I do like all the characters in the story, it seemed like it was real life at one point which got me into it.
"Reborn" I really like the way you portrayed both of the characters in the story. It really sounded modern and an down to earth kind of story. The one thing that i didnt really like or i thought you could improve on would be just more about the couple it kind of felt like it was really cut and dry. Like man gose to work baby born wife dies the end but other than that i thought it was fantastic.
Dusk This is a pretty well thought out story though it sounds real close to Twilight series. I liked in the beginning where you descriptions you plugged in with the characters after they talked, it helped me imagine them well. I do like the idea of how there were a lot of problems occurring at once made the story interesting. However not everything was perfect in this story first of all you said they got married in the begging and in the center you stated they where engage. It started getting confusing from that point on. Another thing is you probably should have stayed away from the werewolves and vampire theme for it shows little originality. Lastly I believe your tenses (pretence, past tense) were off and changed here and there which again made it hard to follow thoroughly.
"Untiltled, group five" I enjoyed the story. The setting was a bit unclear but other than that there was good detail. At one point the names got confusing and i wasnt sure what was happening. The plot was well thought through and clever, great job.
“Story” I really like the storyline of your short story. I like the fact that Peter doesn’t have the perfect family, like a lot of people today. You did a good job on describing the surroundings but the character descriptions were a little vague. You didn’t say much about them like what they looked like. I Thought that parts of this story were a bit confusing at times which threw me off a bit. I think it was good that your characters weren’t perfect they all had some flaws. I think that those flaws are ones that many people can relate to. I think the ending of this story was great. The fact that Peter is going to be ok after something traumatic like what he saw is a good thing. Over all I think that this is a great story that people can relate to.
“Is Life Worth the Pain?” - Positives - I thought that this story was really good. - I think it was good that you explained each character thoroughly. You made me sympathize for the main character - I thought that the dialog was really good. Sometimes it sounded a little cheesy but overall it made sense.
I liked the plot that you had for the story, I also enjoyed the end because it was intense but it kind of bothered me a little at the same time because I didn't like how it ended because I think it could've gotten explained a little more. There are some spell check errors but there just minor because I understood your story very well. The last comment I have was that the transitions weren'nt very smooth because right away they were in the alley with the smoke and a few seconds before that they were talking about a possible lunch. All in all I did enjoy your story. :)
I will be posting my thoughts as I read through the story, so bear with me.
Already I feel that the author has no actual knowledge of video game development, and ma'am is spelled wrong.
Is this 1940?? A lightening bolt shock??
I like the humor found in renaming Assassin 6E90, but I feel that it is important to flesh out the conversation in which he convinced Assassin 6E90 that he was from the real world.
The battle scenes could have been described in more detail, and the final scene could have been a little more dramatic for a more epic feel, how ever, I do like the finishing move on 3E19.
I was surprised by the ending, and it was pretty good, as I was not expecting it.
In conclusion, I feel that the author needed to research video game development, as this story was way off base as to how a game is developed, next time don't rely on Grandma's Boy for information. It was very adventerous, and the comic relief was placed almost perfectly, but it needed to be fleshed out a little more to appear more epic. And it also has a really nice ending despite being rushed.
The short story “Gone but not forgotten” was very well thought out and written. I felt that it was interesting and always kept you reading making you want to find out what would happen next. The transitions were very simplistic but yet effective enough to get your point across. However, I felt that maybe you should have elaborated on his personality a little bit more. I want to know more about why he is the way he is, and how life in the FBI just isn’t the same anymore. You might want to do some more research on the FBI, because they don’t have certain ranks such as Commissioner. The other thing that I noticed was how the area of expertise is wrong for the legal issue you have presented, the FBI wouldn’t handle this issue it would be the NSA.
I thought that this was a good story. It had a good story line. I think that they did a good job at making the story up to date and he has real life experiences. The only thing that I didn’t like was how long and dragged on and on. I think it could have been shorter and still had the same meaning behind it.
“Past, Present, Future, Scott Calvin” I thought that the beginning was a bit confusing but nothing major. I liked how Scott was an underdog and grew out of his shell to become something great. I don’t like that you put almost his whole entire life into the story I think it could have been better if you picked one event to write about. At times it almost sounded like you were rambling on and on just to fill space, but there were some really awesome parts as well.
"Tron 2.0" I really enjoyed reading this story. There were some errors like when you forgot a letter at the beginning of a word. I understood it but you could have proof read a little better. The description of the setting and the whole story were very creative. I wanted to keep reading, and the ending was very good.
I thought It was a good story but at the beginning I really didn’t really make sense. Like I get now that you were playing softball ball but it was hard to tell until u started saying like pitcher and strikes. I thought the fight with the mom was very detailed but I don’t think we actually got the moms name. the story I thought was good I really liked the fight and how you could tell how the character really felt about the whole situation. I think you used way to many really people that actually play softball like bringing in too many real people into the story. One more thing I really didn’t like was how it ended I think you could have put more into that ending.
"Reborn" I like the character descriptions. This is a very good story. I like how the setting is mentioned in different areas.there is alot of good parts in this story.
I enjoyed reading about Peter's life. It definitely isn’t an ideal one, which makes him a believable character. I think that teens can relate to your characters making this a good story. However there wasn't enough physical description on anyone. It could be that you want the reader to imagine themselves in that situation or you simply just didn't put any in. Either way I think it's nice to have some idea of what a character looks like. Other than that great job.
I thought that it was a good story but it was hard keeping track of the characters. I don’t think that it is really realistic. But I thought the story line was good and it kept me interested. I liked how scary it was. I didn’t really like the dialogue in the story.
"College Scandal" The story could have been a little bit longer and the font was a little too big also. On the other you had a great description of your characters and that's always good to have. The plot was pretty good, just remember to put your font to 12 and write a little more about the story then you will be fine.
“College Scandal” I loved the description and turns of events. You did a very good job giving a visual of the characters and setting, especially the alley. I could picture it like it was in front of me; the plot was also setup very well with the story unfolding very nicely. The girls were realistic and the scandal was scary because you made it seem like it could happen to anybody. I think you could maybe vary your descriptions a little, the words you used to describe the girls and setting were good but a lot of people tend to do the same thing. Finally the whole cliff hanging thing was clever but probably would piss a lot of people off because you didn’t finish it. I didn’t mind it though it was different and fresh, and you left a lot up to imagination, well done.
Title: "SHort Stroy" When I read this, a few things happened. One I wasn't really sure what was going on. Meaning I couldn't find any rising action, it almost seemed like the story started at the climax. Another thing was I really couldn't tell who was speaking in dialouge, because I would start off with a name of the first peron talking, but I didn't know if the first character was still talking or if it was the second character. I read it twice and was unable to find the topic. So words of advice: slow down and take your time; build the story up so the reader can understand what is happening. Rated: 2.5/5 (Overall I think it was a good attempt at a first short story.)
“Reborn” The beginning I really wasn’t into it at all but by page 3 of it I was hooked. I absolutely love the ending. I think that you did a really good job with describing the characters, and this is a creative story. I feel like that in the beginning you rambled on and on and stated the obvious a few times. I think it’s good that at the end Elizabeth is being told about her mother, I think that is really important. A few times I got completely lost but it wasn’t hard picking up where you were in the story. I also think that the title is perfect for this story.
"Gone, but Not Forgotten" I really thought that this story had great details and it was very well written. I can see that you probably put alot of time and effort into it. Although, if i would change something it would be to describe more about all of your characters in the story because some of them I didn't know anything about them. It was probably of the best stories I read so far though so keep it up.
“Super Fan” I thought it was a very well written story and I think that It really portrayed how the mother didn’t care about what the daughter wanted and also how that the daughter would strive to please her mother. The ending really left me wanting to know what would happen from then on would the mother realize her mistake or would the daughter and mother have a bad relationship for a long time. The only thing that I could find bad with it was a few spelling mistakes and I really didn’t get how the title “Super Fan” had to do with the story.
I thought this story was very interesting. The idea was exciting but it didn’t really seem to follow the five plotting components. To me it seemed like very much a “guy” story, and that it would sound better if told aloud rather than read. If developed more, I could see it being the plot of a movie. I liked the twist thrown in there where Ron, the boss, was killed because you wouldn’t expect that. Something I would work on is grammar and punctuation. If the story was proof-read a bit it would flow much better.
"John Chittwood" Overall I thought that this story was quite interesting. At times it got a little confusing, and there wasn’t anything about the setting. There were some spelling and punctuation errors. I would have liked to have heard what happened after Ron Chittwood took over, but it kept me interested. I enjoyed reading about John’s life.
Tron 2 I thought it had a very good plot to it It kept me in suspense the whole time I like how you made your mom into a good character The story could be a bit longer It could be little more intense Should have explained the main character a little better
To start off the first thing I have to say is don't doubt in the first sentence man, because then others will. I like the idea of your story just not the way that it started off. It began rather quickly and was hard to follow. I like the end and was glad that Laminar, Jenkins, and Madatar lived. Over all I did enjoy your story it was just a little difficult to understand sometimes.
Is life worth the pain. This story had good character backgrounds; it had a couple really good twists in it which made you want to keep reading, and had a good end which left the reader felling good. But the story had a few spelling mistakes, and I think she would have ran out of pills pretty fast if she as taking 12 pills a day after a month. But overall it was a very good story.
“Just take a drag” was a great short story. The plot made me want to constantly keep reading. However, some of the grammar was a little sloppy. You forgot about a few periods and to capitalizations. Your characters were very well described, and I really felt like I got to know them a little bit more with each line I read. I would have like to have heard more about the setting however, it just seemed like it could have been anything and wasn’t quite as forward as imaginative. The contrasting traits were very interesting and made you second guess if it was the right character I enjoyed reading about that. The other thing that I might fix would be to elaborate on Eric’s personality a little bit more because he seems like the main character and I want to know why he gets baked and what his reason to ever start it was.
“College Scandal,” I will start out with the bad since I don’t really know if I can address them all that well. This story was well planned however its seems to be lacking a bit more character descriptions, trying not to be mean but it would have been nice if you would have used more similes. I personally didn’t like him ending because I am one that likes answers for everything, so that is a personal opinion. Now to your Pro’s, as I stated before I liked the way you plotted everything. Thought I was short it was to a point and made you thinking which was a well success. I also liked how there was a few characters easy to keep track of, for I am horrible with names. Great job overall.
“Is Life worth the Pain?” I like this story. It is an excellent description of pain. I like how a once perfect girl changed into being addicted to drugs. There is a few typing mistakes. I like how Sophie tells people to leave her alone when she is in pain.
"Story" Peter is a great character to base of on in real life. To me, it's kind of like a real life teenager with not the best life, so you did a great job with that. Your physical description could have been better with the characters though. The story was very funny though too with retard Kevin that was hilarious. Overall good story.
I thought that it was a very interesting story but the grammar and spelling is done very poorly. It was kind of hard to understand and follow along throughout the story. You should have all of your spelling corrected and that would maybe help with the understanding of what is going on in the story.
“The Tester” -Positives -I thought the story was rather interesting, not the kind I would usually read but it was good. -You did a good job at talking about the character’s thoughts. -You had a good twist at the end I thought that Jimmy was just going to go home.
-Negatives -You didn’t give any description on any of the characters besides a little bit on the boss. -You need to make sure your typing where instead of were. -You need to go into more descriptions overall I didn’t really feel like I was there.
Short story Had a good story line Went into detail very well in some aspects Had a good ending Though you could have explained more about the bikes A little more transition
“Super Fan” I like this story a lot I think that the issue that is displayed in this story is a common one but not always realized. I like that she told off her mother at the end and that she stood up for herself. I was lost slightly when you were talking about the game and the car ride. I think you transitioned your points in your story really good, and the descriptions in the beginning were great but they died out a little as the story progressed.
I thought that the plot of your story was well written. You created a sense of emotion during parts which made the story much more enjoyable. However make sure you check your punctuation and proofread thoroughly. Some more description on the characters would have also been nice,not only on the physical aspects but the characters' personalities as well. Great title though,it fits excellently with the ending of your story. Overall it was an enjoyable read.
“The Tester” This story I thought was pretty original, had some good thoughts, and had a pretty good ending. A few spelling mistakes, not really a lot that made me want to read on, and some parts I felt could have been worded different.
I did have a good laugh in your story but there was a few spelling errors that could be fixed. A suggestion would be to not drag on about the Lumina, because all you guys are doing is driving the car to the bar. I think you could of used more interesting synonyms then "ok" and "alrite". Your story did make me laugh alot though and did have a good plot. I liked the end because it revealed the true Chris Board.
I thought the story had good plot but it really could have been longer. having the bare minimum for your length really doesnt make for a good read. I thought the conversations were deep and had good detail but there was no description of lacey and if the other girl was her twin then i think the police would be able to tell that she was describing herself. I didn't like the ending at all it made no sense. regardless of who did the mug there would still be punishment because if they were really trying to hurt her then there would have been some sort of charge. All in all though i thought the story was good but could have been so much better.
Nice job with using a lot of dialogue. You incorporated it not just during parts of the story, but throughout it. I also like the names you picked for your characters. They are very creative to say the least. One thing I didn't like however was the fact that you used the word "said" after almost every line of dialogue. Mix it up next time by using a variety of words. Bottom line, your story was a fun read.
“Leftovers” I’m going start this off by saying that whoever wrote this shouldn’t tell everyone that this is your first short story or that it may suck. All you are doing is trying to appeal for the pity of others and make it seem ok if your story isn’t good. Be confident in your writing, you don’t have to brag but as long as you know you can write everything is good. And if you write a crappy story that cares, everyone does it and its just part of becoming a better writer. But all in all whoever wrote this should probably be getting an award or be doing this for a living because “Leftovers” could be extended into a novel or movie or whatever you want. I like that you went and wrote something that was out there. Something only people’s imagination can relate, too. It takes some balls to do that and you didn’t half ass this story, you owned and besides some grammatical/punctuation/etc. I wouldn’t have done it any other way. It takes some serious skill to write about something like this story and make it interesting. Anybody can write a realistic story but not many can do one in the 41st millenium
“Dusk” I noticed that your story sort of followed the Twilight series. Next time I would change the characters or not use personalities, characteristics, or abilities that you liked from books or movies. I liked the fact that you made the character Rachelse two sided. One side of her wanted to play sports and be normal, but she wouldn’t give up her family in order to have that. Throughout the story I noticed that the names weren’t always capitalized so I would recommend having someone proofread the story, but the sentence structure was good. Another thing was that at the end of the story you jumped to Nora having visions and if I wouldn’t have read the Twilight books, I would have been confused by that. Again good job with the dynamic characters.
“Every Cloud has a Silver Lining” I liked the stories’ characters and how you integrated their thoughts after they spoke. It really showed a lot about the characters and made them appear more dynamic. The dialogue was done well. The only thing that I didn’t like about the story is that it covers a long period of time, in like 5 pages so it seems like you’re skipping days at a time and you did a really good job in writing it so that it makes sense. I also liked the way you started out the story with the main character and you foreshadowed really well. The last thing is to describe the character more because I could relate to what she was saying and feeling, but I couldn’t picture her physical features.
I thought this story was very original. The detail and word choice was great. I would proof read this paper a little better though. There were a few spelling and grammatical errors. I would also be careful changing from past to present tense. I really liked how the story ended and that there was some humor in it.
While being an intriguing drama, events in the story are questioningly convenient considering the plot of the story.
Take for instance her drug habit which she acquires without any inner-debate at all. She was a straight A student who, overnight, decides to become a drug addict, it really doesn't happen that often, much less that she would be able to get away with it for weeks.
I also do not like that the story takes place over the span of months, when it could have easily taken place in the span of less than a week. The story feels rushed most of the time, and skips large portions of time, which could have been suitable to make the story occur at a much shorter time period.
However it did have quite a few character conflicts and twists that kept me into the story, the characters were well described,it was really romantic, and I liked the ending, it was very sweet and I wasn't expecting it.
John Chittwood I loved it. It really made me laugh and gave a good time reading it. It was a story that I could really get into. It could have been longer and have a little more meaning to it but I still loved it
"Dusk" It was ok,it seemed a little like the book twighlight and what not. So I won't say it's somewhat orignial, but I thought it was pretty good. I knew which people were talking and could get a good description of who they were and what they looked like.
“Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining,” where to start where to start, first off I think you did and outstanding job on describing things threw out the story. However the story steered me in many directions that I need to think not only twice but three or more times. The reason is you didn’t tell the reader (me) who was speaking after the dialog some was predictable but you still need it. I like how your story played through bun what saddened me was that it was predictable which is not bad but leads up to a, “Ah one of these stories.” This passage seems to be coming off harshly but I don’t mean it to. You wrote a wonderful story with great dialog and theme. Almost forgot I didn’t like how you addressed the theme at the end and if I am not mistaken was a no no when reviewing the theme
“Story”. I liked this short story a lot, but it had a few grammatical errors. There were a few times when you had the wrong punctuation at the end or change the tense once or twice. There weren’t a lot which was good though. I really like the story line it was very interesting, because I didn’t expect what was coming. I thought that it would have been something about his mother rather than his girlfriend. One thing that I would have preferred was maybe a little more description on the settings. The characters’ personalities and traits were very well written and described but the setting kind of got lost in all of that which made it harder to imagine. I wish that I could find out a little more about Marcos though, he just kind of seems like he got thrown in there and has no purpose of his own he’s just there because Anne wanted him to be. The other thing that I really enjoyed about your story was that it never got too predictable which is what happens to a lot of stories like this.
"Today" I really liked how you told us what the character was thinking, it was original. I wish there was a little something more about what happened after Jason asked Jamie on a date. I also think that there could have been more description on the characters. It got a little confusing when he was at work but then all of a sudden he was in his car on his way to the store. Overall I thought it was a very well written story.
I really liked this story. I felt like I could picture Joe, Susan, and Elizabeth. I thought you depicted the character's emotions well, however I wish you would have went more in depth with their thoughts and put more detail into what happened after Susan passed away. There were a few areas in the story where things got a bit repetitive, so I would be careful with that. I thought the story was very relatable though, and was easy to read through.
Willy” This story had very interesting characters, a very good plot and a good twist at the end, but it did have a lot of spelling mistakes, words repeated, and words out of order. But these mistakes I fell did not have an effect on the story.
“Today” The story was hard to understand at first but once I got into it, it was a good story. Make sure you reread it next time so that everything flows together. The other thing is you really emphasized that the character was bored with his life, in places you seemed to re-peat yourself on the descriptions. But on the other hand I liked the insight on the character especially when you related his breakup to his father’s death. It was a well thought out story line but reminds me of something I have read before. The ending was different and really keeps you thinking of what will happen next.
“Tron 2.0” I thought that it was a really well thought out story and it really described what was happening in the surroundings. There were a few spelling mistakes here and there which could have been fixed to make it better. I also enjoyed the ending to bad the main character sort of died in the game though. All and all it was a pretty good story.
“Unguarded” I liked the story, but the ending was confusing. The characters actually seemed to have personalities and were developed really well. I liked how the mother and the daughter shared that common theme of taking Pepto Bismol tablets. The reason the ending was confusing was because why would the dad hire people to hold his daughter hostage. It’s not a bad thing that you left the reader hanging like that, but it seems like there should’ve been more to the story.
This story is amazing! I like the characters and the how the ending was,(unexpected.) It could be longer and a few grammatical errors to be fixed. Overall I say, this story deserves respect...
I like the story for what it was it had good length. I thought the main character was to smart like he had no flaws. it had good plot and i liked the dialoge.
“College Scandal" -Positives -I thought this was a good story. -I liked how you went into detail on explaining the alley and the characters. -I think it was good that you left the ending like that, you made me wonder what was coming next.
Story I thought it was very good you got me hooked as soon as I started reading it. I liked how you described Kevin that was an awesome job. But I kind of got lost at times and could be longer
Other than having the worst plot I've ever read, it was completely unrefined, and there was little or no humor throughout the entire thing.
Spelling and grammar desperately needs to be corrected, the story seems to overuse the word "well", and the dialogue tags need to vary a little bit.
There were some good descriptions, but they were misplaced and could have been said better. There is also extreme insensitivity toward women in this story, that even I find revolting.
This is pretty much the worst story I've ever read.
Reading throught he first few paragraphs, the setting felt a little jumpy. I think you couldve transitioned it better. The descriptions were very well done. With some of the dialogue you didnt have to use as much "said" words as you did. Sometimes its easier to reading conversations without alot of those. Also the plot seemed to drag along towards the middle. Such as the telephone conversation. You could have shortened it up a bit.
Over all this story was interesting. A little weird at the end but it has a good moral.
“Today” This was an interesting story had a lot of good details which kept me reading and wanting more. This story had a few spelling mistakes most of which I think were on purpose but I think a couple were by mistake and could have used more details about the main character.
The action in this story happens to fast, and scenery and what occurs could be described much better.
Everything happens too fast, within a paragraph he goes from street muscle, to a high-level dealer. I feel like it needs to be fleshed out more, and more deals and hits need to occur before he ascends to the top of the cartel.
“College Scandal” I really enjoyed reading it. It was fast paced and the ending was really surprising. There weren’t too many spelling mistakes which was good. Although it was a bit short and I would have liked to know what happened to the three girls. Also this is just a thought but wouldn’t they have perhaps seen the muggers while moving in just a thought. In the end I thought it was a really good story I hope that you continue on it in the future.
“Reborn”. This short story was very good. I liked that you showed us what happened to the family later on in life. There were a couple of grammatical errors, some like misplaced commas and forgotten apostrophes. The story line was well thought out and written, because you made me want to keep reading and not just give up on the story. There were a few times when you forgot a few words which then made the sentence really confusing to understand or spelt the words wrong. I thought that the characters were really defined and had great personalities. It helped to see the certain sides of the story through different characters. The other thing that I would have liked would be maybe a little bit more about Joe and Elizabeth’s life later on. There was just that brief conversation and I didn’t know what their lives were like at all. I would have liked to see what happened a little bit more.
“Unknown group 8” I liked how the story started, good insight of how John got in the drug dealing and him and his family background. Watch punctuation for dialog. I really like the story especially how you linked the troubled child to his adulthood. It was kind of weird how everything worked like the pillow where just laying there so John landed on them and the other thing is maybe just re-read and make sure story says what you want it to. Otherwise the story was well written and the details helped you imagine everything that was happening.
I liked how you described things but some areas didn't make sense to me because there are a few word errors that could be fixed. Another thing that could be quick fixing is that if shes about to go into labor she probably shouldn't be doing aerobics. I did happen to like how you set up the plot because I understood it rather well, I liked the job you gave Joe, and the description you gave of Susan. I didn't like how you just ended when Susan passed away and then quickly said 5 years later, I wouldv'e liked to know more about the child. The end was very sad, but it was a very good end to the story.
“Gone But Not Forgotten” This story was pretty good. Except… I think it was rushed a little too much. I know it had to be a short story and all, but more detail should’ve been added. And, the quotation marks in weird places bothered me. (ex: “Alright I’ll do it, but consider this my two weeks’ notice.” “When I return I’m leaving the FBI.”) Is that one person talking? Is it 2 separate thoughts? Just get rid of the set of: ” “ in the middle, and it should be fine.
“Take a Drag” Okaaay… I don’t have any siblings, but I’m certain nobody would make their younger siblings smoke weed just to look cool in front of their friends. To me, this was a very depressing story, but it was well written.
“The Willy Wasmer Story” I think you could probably start your dialogue off with something besides, “Chris says or Willy says.” Also you said Lumina three out of four sentences which I am not sure if that is good or bad. Excellent twist at the end of the story. The style of writing is unique in a way that it’s very laid back and easy to follow. The characters are described well enough that you get a feel for what’s going in their life. Good plot and nice redneck setting.
“College Scandal” The plot was very good and the ending was great. It gave enough information that I could guess what was going to happen without being told. The twins that did the mugging had a reason as to why they mugged people which was good. I didn’t like when Lacey was describing the twins and she said she would try her best to describe them, which made it seem like she didn’t exactly remember, and then she rattled off all of these details. Another good thing was you gave the twin the rose tattoo so that the reader would associate the rose tattoo with the twin without having to be told that it was the twin. One thing I would try to improve on is making the characters have personalities. It was a good that you described them and the atmosphere, but I didn’t pick up on their personalities.
“Unguarded,” Bravo, Bravo this was a well planned out story however it reminded me a movie that was recently in theaters, though I never saw the movie but I heard about it and it reminded me of it. The story to the movie had a different role plays like the dad saved the girl in the movie and in the story the dad hired a man to capture his daughter. In the begging of the story I all so notices that you use reassuring a lot and you could have probably spiced it up a bit more. And the character descriptions where all plotted into one spot of the story you maybe could have spread it along the story more. However these are minor cons for you story, other than the whole thing relating to the movie. For your pro’s I loved the way you described everything and the French people (I believe it was French but it could have been Spain) you made them sound like they were actually from their country. I do like the whole begging intro thing it made me kind of want to read more but it felt slow pace in and out of the body and conclusion, what I am trying to say is that the begging (intro) was the most interesting part. I just want to say well done!
Evaleigh I really think you should keep an open mind. Just because you don't think something happens doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I guarantee people do stuff like that to make their siblings look cool, maybe open your eyes a little and take a look around
“Super Fan” -Positives -It had a really good plot. -It seemed like you really knew what you were talking about. -You did a really good job at explaining the character’s thoughts. It made me almost put myself into the story.
-Negatives -The conversation wording seemed a little unrealistic. -Make sure you reread your story when you’re done; there were a few things that you would have noticed if you would have reread. -I don’t think you gave much of a character description.
I love this story. It had a grat twist at the end. Your setting detail was well described. At the end it got a little confusing when he was driving to the gas station. I wasn't sure what was going on. Yout dialogue and vocab was good. I felt like i knew your characters. The plot was very original, kudos for that.
Overall this story made my day. I loved the end and how it was all happy. Great job.
“Super Fan” Great use of sense right away once you started your paper. The discriptions of the characters weren’t bad but a little more detail wouldn’t have hurt. Great narrations. I liked the insight on Emily throughout the story to know what her personalitly was truly like. Overall the story was good and made me keep wanting to read more. The only this was the softball terminology was hard to concept unless you know your lingo.
Good luck 3rd hour!
ReplyDelete“Past, Present, Future Scott Calvin”
ReplyDeleteI thought that it was a good story but I didn’t think it was much of a story. I think it was more of a character sketch. It was hard at times to follow along on what the author was saying. It jumped around really bad. I think that transitions should be fixed and it would be a really good story.
I liked the story line of the story and I also liked the characters. I think they did a good job at explaining things.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"Reborn"
ReplyDeleteI tell you what thats a good story right there. you mentioned that Joe was a relestate guy twice though onnce in one sentence and then again right after. kind of interupted the story it took away my train of thought and made me look twice at it. other than that it was really good. i didnt expect the ending though i tell you what it sure was good. it could have been a little longer and more leading up to the death of the mother. i did like how the story flowed though i was kept on track and it was a smooth read.
"today"
ReplyDeleteits a good story. i think you should go over spelling and grammer more.
i liked the description of jason's day. i als liked the description of jamie.
you need more about setting.
Tron 2.0 was interesting,and was pretty good short story, but it could have been longer. Also, it was sort of less dramatic than it seemed to be, but the build was good.
ReplyDeleteRated: 3/5
"No Title"
ReplyDeleteI thought that this story was pretty good but was kind of hard to follow at times. There were some places where you needed a period or comma but there wasn't one. I liked the end of the story, and wanted to keep reading more. You could of described the setting a litte more. Overall I thought it was a good story.
"Past, Present, Future, Scott Calvin"
ReplyDeleteI like the fact that you incorporate Scott's entire life into this story; however for a short story it spreads over too long of a time span. Other than that, it was pretty decent. You used a good amount of dialogue which kept the story running smoothly. Make sure you watch your word choice and try not to switch from present to past tense.
"John Chittwood"
ReplyDeletei think this is a good story.
i liked the description of john chittwood.
you need more about the setting.
i like how john ends up getting ron's company.
“Today”
ReplyDeleteI thought the introduction paragraph was really intriguing. I liked the description of his morning and his thoughts. One thing I would do is proof-read a bit more, there were some spots that didn’t seem to make much sense because of the wording. I also thought the detail of the workplace was good, but the same concept may have been repeated too much. I would maybe make Jason sound a little less heartbroken about Rachel if he is going to be so eager to take Jamie out on a date as well, but I liked the description of her (Jamie).
"Leftovers"- make sure you start new paragraphs when you do quotes, cause sometimes I didn't know what was going on. To me though, I did like the story. Your wording could also be better in this story too. However, I do like all the characters in the story, it seemed like it was real life at one point which got me into it.
ReplyDelete"Reborn" I really like the way you portrayed both of the characters in the story. It really sounded modern and an down to earth kind of story. The one thing that i didnt really like or i thought you could improve on would be just more about the couple it kind of felt like it was really cut and dry. Like man gose to work baby born wife dies the end but other than that i thought it was fantastic.
ReplyDeleteDusk
ReplyDeleteThis is a pretty well thought out story though it sounds real close to Twilight series. I liked in the beginning where you descriptions you plugged in with the characters after they talked, it helped me imagine them well. I do like the idea of how there were a lot of problems occurring at once made the story interesting. However not everything was perfect in this story first of all you said they got married in the begging and in the center you stated they where engage. It started getting confusing from that point on. Another thing is you probably should have stayed away from the werewolves and vampire theme for it shows little originality. Lastly I believe your tenses (pretence, past tense) were off and changed here and there which again made it hard to follow thoroughly.
"Untiltled, group five" I enjoyed the story. The setting was a bit unclear but other than that there was good detail. At one point the names got confusing and i wasnt sure what was happening.
ReplyDeleteThe plot was well thought through and clever, great job.
“Story”
ReplyDeleteI really like the storyline of your short story. I like the fact that Peter doesn’t have the perfect family, like a lot of people today. You did a good job on describing the surroundings but the character descriptions were a little vague. You didn’t say much about them like what they looked like. I Thought that parts of this story were a bit confusing at times which threw me off a bit. I think it was good that your characters weren’t perfect they all had some flaws. I think that those flaws are ones that many people can relate to. I think the ending of this story was great. The fact that Peter is going to be ok after something traumatic like what he saw is a good thing. Over all I think that this is a great story that people can relate to.
“Is Life Worth the Pain?”
ReplyDelete- Positives
- I thought that this story was really good.
- I think it was good that you explained each character thoroughly. You made me sympathize for the main character
- I thought that the dialog was really good. Sometimes it sounded a little cheesy but overall it made sense.
- Negatives
- Make sure that you have the same tenses throughout a sentence or paragraph. There was often a past tense then a present tense. It got a little confusing at times.
- Make sure you reread your story when you’re finishing, you had a few spelling errors.
- The story seemed a little cliché to me. I kind of could predict everything before I read it.
"College Scandal"
ReplyDeleteI liked the plot that you had for the story, I also enjoyed the end because it was intense but it kind of bothered me a little at the same time because I didn't like how it ended because I think it could've gotten explained a little more. There are some spell check errors but there just minor because I understood your story very well. The last comment I have was that the transitions weren'nt very smooth because right away they were in the alley with the smoke and a few seconds before that they were talking about a possible lunch. All in all I did enjoy your story. :)
"The Tester"
ReplyDeleteI will be posting my thoughts as I read through the story, so bear with me.
Already I feel that the author has no actual knowledge of video game development, and ma'am is spelled wrong.
Is this 1940?? A lightening bolt shock??
I like the humor found in renaming Assassin 6E90, but I feel that it is important to flesh out the conversation in which he convinced Assassin 6E90 that he was from the real world.
The battle scenes could have been described in more detail, and the final scene could have been a little more dramatic for a more epic feel, how ever, I do like the finishing move on 3E19.
I was surprised by the ending, and it was pretty good, as I was not expecting it.
In conclusion, I feel that the author needed to research video game development, as this story was way off base as to how a game is developed, next time don't rely on Grandma's Boy for information. It was very adventerous, and the comic relief was placed almost perfectly, but it needed to be fleshed out a little more to appear more epic. And it also has a really nice ending despite being rushed.
The short story “Gone but not forgotten” was very well thought out and written. I felt that it was interesting and always kept you reading making you want to find out what would happen next. The transitions were very simplistic but yet effective enough to get your point across. However, I felt that maybe you should have elaborated on his personality a little bit more. I want to know more about why he is the way he is, and how life in the FBI just isn’t the same anymore. You might want to do some more research on the FBI, because they don’t have certain ranks such as Commissioner. The other thing that I noticed was how the area of expertise is wrong for the legal issue you have presented, the FBI wouldn’t handle this issue it would be the NSA.
ReplyDelete“The Dialogue”
ReplyDeleteI thought that this was a good story. It had a good story line. I think that they did a good job at making the story up to date and he has real life experiences. The only thing that I didn’t like was how long and dragged on and on. I think it could have been shorter and still had the same meaning behind it.
“Past, Present, Future, Scott Calvin”
ReplyDeleteI thought that the beginning was a bit confusing but nothing major. I liked how Scott was an underdog and grew out of his shell to become something great. I don’t like that you put almost his whole entire life into the story I think it could have been better if you picked one event to write about. At times it almost sounded like you were rambling on and on just to fill space, but there were some really awesome parts as well.
"Tron 2.0"
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this story. There were some errors like when you forgot a letter at the beginning of a word. I understood it but you could have proof read a little better. The description of the setting and the whole story were very creative. I wanted to keep reading, and the ending was very good.
Super Fan
ReplyDeleteI thought It was a good story but at the beginning I really didn’t really make sense. Like I get now that you were playing softball ball but it was hard to tell until u started saying like pitcher and strikes. I thought the fight with the mom was very detailed but I don’t think we actually got the moms name. the story I thought was good I really liked the fight and how you could tell how the character really felt about the whole situation. I think you used way to many really people that actually play softball like bringing in too many real people into the story. One more thing I really didn’t like was how it ended I think you could have put more into that ending.
"Reborn"
ReplyDeleteI like the character descriptions.
This is a very good story.
I like how the setting is mentioned in different areas.there is alot of good parts in this story.
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ReplyDelete"Story"
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading about Peter's life. It definitely isn’t an ideal one, which makes him a believable character. I think that teens can relate to your characters making this a good story. However there wasn't enough physical description on anyone. It could be that you want the reader to imagine themselves in that situation or you simply just didn't put any in. Either way I think it's nice to have some idea of what a character looks like. Other than that great job.
“College Scandal”
ReplyDeleteI thought that it was a good story but it was hard keeping track of the characters. I don’t think that it is really realistic. But I thought the story line was good and it kept me interested. I liked how scary it was. I didn’t really like the dialogue in the story.
"College Scandal"
ReplyDeleteThe story could have been a little bit longer and the font was a little too big also. On the other you had a great description of your characters and that's always good to have. The plot was pretty good, just remember to put your font to 12 and write a little more about the story then you will be fine.
“College Scandal”
ReplyDeleteI loved the description and turns of events. You did a very good job giving a visual of the characters and setting, especially the alley. I could picture it like it was in front of me; the plot was also setup very well with the story unfolding very nicely. The girls were realistic and the scandal was scary because you made it seem like it could happen to anybody. I think you could maybe vary your descriptions a little, the words you used to describe the girls and setting were good but a lot of people tend to do the same thing. Finally the whole cliff hanging thing was clever but probably would piss a lot of people off because you didn’t finish it. I didn’t mind it though it was different and fresh, and you left a lot up to imagination, well done.
Title: "SHort Stroy"
ReplyDeleteWhen I read this, a few things happened. One I wasn't really sure what was going on. Meaning I couldn't find any rising action, it almost seemed like the story started at the climax. Another thing was I really couldn't tell who was speaking in dialouge, because I would start off with a name of the first peron talking, but I didn't know if the first character was still talking or if it was the second character. I read it twice and was unable to find the topic.
So words of advice: slow down and take your time; build the story up so the reader can understand what is happening.
Rated: 2.5/5
(Overall I think it was a good attempt at a first short story.)
“Reborn”
ReplyDeleteThe beginning I really wasn’t into it at all but by page 3 of it I was hooked. I absolutely love the ending. I think that you did a really good job with describing the characters, and this is a creative story. I feel like that in the beginning you rambled on and on and stated the obvious a few times. I think it’s good that at the end Elizabeth is being told about her mother, I think that is really important. A few times I got completely lost but it wasn’t hard picking up where you were in the story. I also think that the title is perfect for this story.
"Gone, but Not Forgotten"
ReplyDeleteI really thought that this story had great details and it was very well written. I can see that you probably put alot of time and effort into it. Although, if i would change something it would be to describe more about all of your characters in the story because some of them I didn't know anything about them. It was probably of the best stories I read so far though so keep it up.
“Super Fan” I thought it was a very well written story and I think that It really portrayed how the mother didn’t care about what the daughter wanted and also how that the daughter would strive to please her mother. The ending really left me wanting to know what would happen from then on would the mother realize her mistake or would the daughter and mother have a bad relationship for a long time. The only thing that I could find bad with it was a few spelling mistakes and I really didn’t get how the title “Super Fan” had to do with the story.
ReplyDelete“John Chittwood”
ReplyDeleteI thought this story was very interesting. The idea was exciting but it didn’t really seem to follow the five plotting components. To me it seemed like very much a “guy” story, and that it would sound better if told aloud rather than read. If developed more, I could see it being the plot of a movie. I liked the twist thrown in there where Ron, the boss, was killed because you wouldn’t expect that. Something I would work on is grammar and punctuation. If the story was proof-read a bit it would flow much better.
"John Chittwood"
ReplyDeleteOverall I thought that this story was quite interesting. At times it got a little confusing, and there wasn’t anything about the setting. There were some spelling and punctuation errors. I would have liked to have heard what happened after Ron Chittwood took over, but it kept me interested. I enjoyed reading about John’s life.
Tron 2
ReplyDeleteI thought it had a very good plot to it
It kept me in suspense the whole time
I like how you made your mom into a good character
The story could be a bit longer
It could be little more intense
Should have explained the main character a little better
"The Leftovers"
ReplyDeleteTo start off the first thing I have to say is don't doubt in the first sentence man, because then others will. I like the idea of your story just not the way that it started off. It began rather quickly and was hard to follow. I like the end and was glad that Laminar, Jenkins, and Madatar lived. Over all I did enjoy your story it was just a little difficult to understand sometimes.
Is life worth the pain.
ReplyDeleteThis story had good character backgrounds; it had a couple really good twists in it which made you want to keep reading, and had a good end which left the reader felling good. But the story had a few spelling mistakes, and I think she would have ran out of pills pretty fast if she as taking 12 pills a day after a month. But overall it was a very good story.
“Just take a drag” was a great short story. The plot made me want to constantly keep reading. However, some of the grammar was a little sloppy. You forgot about a few periods and to capitalizations. Your characters were very well described, and I really felt like I got to know them a little bit more with each line I read. I would have like to have heard more about the setting however, it just seemed like it could have been anything and wasn’t quite as forward as imaginative. The contrasting traits were very interesting and made you second guess if it was the right character I enjoyed reading about that. The other thing that I might fix would be to elaborate on Eric’s personality a little bit more because he seems like the main character and I want to know why he gets baked and what his reason to ever start it was.
ReplyDelete“College Scandal,” I will start out with the bad since I don’t really know if I can address them all that well. This story was well planned however its seems to be lacking a bit more character descriptions, trying not to be mean but it would have been nice if you would have used more similes. I personally didn’t like him ending because I am one that likes answers for everything, so that is a personal opinion. Now to your Pro’s, as I stated before I liked the way you plotted everything. Thought I was short it was to a point and made you thinking which was a well success. I also liked how there was a few characters easy to keep track of, for I am horrible with names. Great job overall.
ReplyDelete“Is Life worth the Pain?”
ReplyDeleteI like this story. It is an excellent description of pain.
I like how a once perfect girl changed into being addicted to drugs.
There is a few typing mistakes.
I like how Sophie tells people to leave her alone when she is in pain.
"Story"
ReplyDeletePeter is a great character to base of on in real life. To me, it's kind of like a real life teenager with not the best life, so you did a great job with that. Your physical description could have been better with the characters though. The story was very funny though too with retard Kevin that was hilarious. Overall good story.
“John Chittwood”
ReplyDeleteI thought that it was a very interesting story but the grammar and spelling is done very poorly. It was kind of hard to understand and follow along throughout the story. You should have all of your spelling corrected and that would maybe help with the understanding of what is going on in the story.
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ReplyDelete“The Tester”
ReplyDelete-Positives
-I thought the story was rather interesting, not the kind I would usually read but it was good.
-You did a good job at talking about the character’s thoughts.
-You had a good twist at the end I thought that Jimmy was just going to go home.
-Negatives
-You didn’t give any description on any of the characters besides a little bit on the boss.
-You need to make sure your typing where instead of were.
-You need to go into more descriptions overall I didn’t really feel like I was there.
Short story
ReplyDeleteHad a good story line
Went into detail very well in some aspects
Had a good ending
Though you could have explained more about the bikes
A little more transition
“Super Fan”
ReplyDeleteI like this story a lot I think that the issue that is displayed in this story is a common one but not always realized. I like that she told off her mother at the end and that she stood up for herself. I was lost slightly when you were talking about the game and the car ride. I think you transitioned your points in your story really good, and the descriptions in the beginning were great but they died out a little as the story progressed.
"Reborn"
ReplyDeleteI thought that the plot of your story was well written. You created a sense of emotion during parts which made the story much more enjoyable. However make sure you check your punctuation and proofread thoroughly. Some more description on the characters would have also been nice,not only on the physical aspects but the characters' personalities as well. Great title though,it fits excellently with the ending of your story. Overall it was an enjoyable read.
“The Tester”
ReplyDeleteThis story I thought was pretty original, had some good thoughts, and had a pretty good ending. A few spelling mistakes, not really a lot that made me want to read on, and some parts I felt could have been worded different.
"The Willy Wasmer Story"
ReplyDeleteI did have a good laugh in your story but there was a few spelling errors that could be fixed. A suggestion would be to not drag on about the Lumina, because all you guys are doing is driving the car to the bar. I think you could of used more interesting synonyms then "ok" and "alrite". Your story did make me laugh alot though and did have a good plot. I liked the end because it revealed the true Chris Board.
College Scandal
ReplyDeleteI thought the story had good plot but it really could have been longer. having the bare minimum for your length really doesnt make for a good read. I thought the conversations were deep and had good detail but there was no description of lacey and if the other girl was her twin then i think the police would be able to tell that she was describing herself. I didn't like the ending at all it made no sense. regardless of who did the mug there would still be punishment because if they were really trying to hurt her then there would have been some sort of charge. All in all though i thought the story was good but could have been so much better.
"John Chittwood"
ReplyDeleteNice job with using a lot of dialogue. You incorporated it not just during parts of the story, but throughout it. I also like the names you picked for your characters. They are very creative to say the least. One thing I didn't like however was the fact that you used the word "said" after almost every line of dialogue. Mix it up next time by using a variety of words. Bottom line, your story was a fun read.
“Leftovers”
ReplyDeleteI’m going start this off by saying that whoever wrote this shouldn’t tell everyone that this is your first short story or that it may suck. All you are doing is trying to appeal for the pity of others and make it seem ok if your story isn’t good. Be confident in your writing, you don’t have to brag but as long as you know you can write everything is good. And if you write a crappy story that cares, everyone does it and its just part of becoming a better writer. But all in all whoever wrote this should probably be getting an award or be doing this for a living because “Leftovers” could be extended into a novel or movie or whatever you want. I like that you went and wrote something that was out there. Something only people’s imagination can relate, too. It takes some balls to do that and you didn’t half ass this story, you owned and besides some grammatical/punctuation/etc. I wouldn’t have done it any other way. It takes some serious skill to write about something like this story and make it interesting. Anybody can write a realistic story but not many can do one in the 41st millenium
“Dusk”
ReplyDeleteI noticed that your story sort of followed the Twilight series. Next time I would change the characters or not use personalities, characteristics, or abilities that you liked from books or movies. I liked the fact that you made the character Rachelse two sided. One side of her wanted to play sports and be normal, but she wouldn’t give up her family in order to have that. Throughout the story I noticed that the names weren’t always capitalized so I would recommend having someone proofread the story, but the sentence structure was good. Another thing was that at the end of the story you jumped to Nora having visions and if I wouldn’t have read the Twilight books, I would have been confused by that. Again good job with the dynamic characters.
“Every Cloud has a Silver Lining”
ReplyDeleteI liked the stories’ characters and how you integrated their thoughts after they spoke. It really showed a lot about the characters and made them appear more dynamic. The dialogue was done well. The only thing that I didn’t like about the story is that it covers a long period of time, in like 5 pages so it seems like you’re skipping days at a time and you did a really good job in writing it so that it makes sense. I also liked the way you started out the story with the main character and you foreshadowed really well. The last thing is to describe the character more because I could relate to what she was saying and feeling, but I couldn’t picture her physical features.
Tron 2.0
ReplyDeleteI thought this story was very original. The detail and word choice was great. I would proof read this paper a little better though. There were a few spelling and grammatical errors. I would also be careful changing from past to present tense. I really liked how the story ended and that there was some humor in it.
"Is Life Worth the Pain?"
ReplyDeleteWhile being an intriguing drama, events in the story are questioningly convenient considering the plot of the story.
Take for instance her drug habit which she acquires without any inner-debate at all. She was a straight A student who, overnight, decides to become a drug addict, it really doesn't happen that often, much less that she would be able to get away with it for weeks.
I also do not like that the story takes place over the span of months, when it could have easily taken place in the span of less than a week. The story feels rushed most of the time, and skips large portions of time, which could have been suitable to make the story occur at a much shorter time period.
However it did have quite a few character conflicts and twists that kept me into the story, the characters were well described,it was really romantic, and I liked the ending, it was very sweet and I wasn't expecting it.
John Chittwood
ReplyDeleteI loved it. It really made me laugh and gave a good time reading it. It was a story that I could really get into. It could have been longer and have a little more meaning to it but I still loved it
"Dusk"
ReplyDeleteIt was ok,it seemed a little like the book twighlight and what not. So I won't say it's somewhat orignial, but I thought it was pretty good. I knew which people were talking and could get a good description of who they were and what they looked like.
“Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining,” where to start where to start, first off I think you did and outstanding job on describing things threw out the story. However the story steered me in many directions that I need to think not only twice but three or more times. The reason is you didn’t tell the reader (me) who was speaking after the dialog some was predictable but you still need it. I like how your story played through bun what saddened me was that it was predictable which is not bad but leads up to a, “Ah one of these stories.” This passage seems to be coming off harshly but I don’t mean it to. You wrote a wonderful story with great dialog and theme. Almost forgot I didn’t like how you addressed the theme at the end and if I am not mistaken was a no no when reviewing the theme
ReplyDelete“Story”. I liked this short story a lot, but it had a few grammatical errors. There were a few times when you had the wrong punctuation at the end or change the tense once or twice. There weren’t a lot which was good though. I really like the story line it was very interesting, because I didn’t expect what was coming. I thought that it would have been something about his mother rather than his girlfriend. One thing that I would have preferred was maybe a little more description on the settings. The characters’ personalities and traits were very well written and described but the setting kind of got lost in all of that which made it harder to imagine. I wish that I could find out a little more about Marcos though, he just kind of seems like he got thrown in there and has no purpose of his own he’s just there because Anne wanted him to be. The other thing that I really enjoyed about your story was that it never got too predictable which is what happens to a lot of stories like this.
ReplyDelete"Today"
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you told us what the character was thinking, it was original. I wish there was a little something more about what happened after Jason asked Jamie on a date. I also think that there could have been more description on the characters. It got a little confusing when he was at work but then all of a sudden he was in his car on his way to the store. Overall I thought it was a very well written story.
"Reborn"
ReplyDeleteI really liked this story. I felt like I could picture Joe, Susan, and Elizabeth. I thought you depicted the character's emotions well, however I wish you would have went more in depth with their thoughts and put more detail into what happened after Susan passed away. There were a few areas in the story where things got a bit repetitive, so I would be careful with that. I thought the story was very relatable though, and was easy to read through.
Willy”
ReplyDeleteThis story had very interesting characters, a very good plot and a good twist at the end, but it did have a lot of spelling mistakes, words repeated, and words out of order. But these mistakes I fell did not have an effect on the story.
“Today”
ReplyDeleteThe story was hard to understand at first but once I got into it, it was a good story. Make sure you reread it next time so that everything flows together. The other thing is you really emphasized that the character was bored with his life, in places you seemed to re-peat yourself on the descriptions. But on the other hand I liked the insight on the character especially when you related his breakup to his father’s death. It was a well thought out story line but reminds me of something I have read before. The ending was different and really keeps you thinking of what will happen next.
“Tron 2.0” I thought that it was a really well thought out story and it really described what was happening in the surroundings. There were a few spelling mistakes here and there which could have been fixed to make it better. I also enjoyed the ending to bad the main character sort of died in the game though. All and all it was a pretty good story.
ReplyDelete“Unguarded”
ReplyDeleteI liked the story, but the ending was confusing. The characters actually seemed to have personalities and were developed really well. I liked how the mother and the daughter shared that common theme of taking Pepto Bismol tablets. The reason the ending was confusing was because why would the dad hire people to hold his daughter hostage. It’s not a bad thing that you left the reader hanging like that, but it seems like there should’ve been more to the story.
"Jhon Chittwood"
ReplyDeleteThis story is amazing! I like the characters and the how the ending was,(unexpected.) It could be longer and a few grammatical errors to be fixed. Overall I say, this story deserves respect...
Rated: 9/10
Past, Present, Future, Scott Calvin
ReplyDeleteI like the story for what it was it had good length. I thought the main character was to smart like he had no flaws. it had good plot and i liked the dialoge.
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ReplyDelete“College Scandal"
ReplyDelete-Positives
-I thought this was a good story.
-I liked how you went into detail on explaining the alley and the characters.
-I think it was good that you left the ending like that, you made me wonder what was coming next.
-Negatives
-The story flowed but was kind of cliché.
-You could have could have given less of a description on the muggers. I mean who really looks at people with that much detail.
-You need to try to get your reader to connect more with the story. It kind of just jumps right in right away.
Story
ReplyDeleteI thought it was very good you got me hooked as soon as I started reading it. I liked how you described Kevin that was an awesome job. But I kind of got lost at times and could be longer
"The Willy Wasmer Story"
ReplyDeleteOther than having the worst plot I've ever read, it was completely unrefined, and there was little or no humor throughout the entire thing.
Spelling and grammar desperately needs to be corrected, the story seems to overuse the word "well", and the dialogue tags need to vary a little bit.
There were some good descriptions, but they were misplaced and could have been said better. There is also extreme insensitivity toward women in this story, that even I find revolting.
This is pretty much the worst story I've ever read.
"Take a Drag"
ReplyDeleteReading throught he first few paragraphs, the setting felt a little jumpy. I think you couldve transitioned it better.
The descriptions were very well done. With some of the dialogue you didnt have to use as much "said" words as you did. Sometimes its easier to reading conversations without alot of those.
Also the plot seemed to drag along towards the middle. Such as the telephone conversation. You could have shortened it up a bit.
Over all this story was interesting. A little weird at the end but it has a good moral.
“Today”
ReplyDeleteThis was an interesting story had a lot of good details which kept me reading and wanting more. This story had a few spelling mistakes most of which I think were on purpose but I think a couple were by mistake and could have used more details about the main character.
The action in this story happens to fast, and scenery and what occurs could be described much better.
ReplyDeleteEverything happens too fast, within a paragraph he goes from street muscle, to a high-level dealer. I feel like it needs to be fleshed out more, and more deals and hits need to occur before he ascends to the top of the cartel.
“College Scandal” I really enjoyed reading it. It was fast paced and the ending was really surprising. There weren’t too many spelling mistakes which was good. Although it was a bit short and I would have liked to know what happened to the three girls. Also this is just a thought but wouldn’t they have perhaps seen the muggers while moving in just a thought. In the end I thought it was a really good story I hope that you continue on it in the future.
ReplyDelete“Reborn”. This short story was very good. I liked that you showed us what happened to the family later on in life. There were a couple of grammatical errors, some like misplaced commas and forgotten apostrophes. The story line was well thought out and written, because you made me want to keep reading and not just give up on the story. There were a few times when you forgot a few words which then made the sentence really confusing to understand or spelt the words wrong. I thought that the characters were really defined and had great personalities. It helped to see the certain sides of the story through different characters. The other thing that I would have liked would be maybe a little bit more about Joe and Elizabeth’s life later on. There was just that brief conversation and I didn’t know what their lives were like at all. I would have liked to see what happened a little bit more.
ReplyDelete“Unknown group 8”
ReplyDeleteI liked how the story started, good insight of how John got in the drug dealing and him and his family background. Watch punctuation for dialog. I really like the story especially how you linked the troubled child to his adulthood. It was kind of weird how everything worked like the pillow where just laying there so John landed on them and the other thing is maybe just re-read and make sure story says what you want it to. Otherwise the story was well written and the details helped you imagine everything that was happening.
"Reborn"
ReplyDeleteI liked how you described things but some areas didn't make sense to me because there are a few word errors that could be fixed. Another thing that could be quick fixing is that if shes about to go into labor she probably shouldn't be doing aerobics. I did happen to like how you set up the plot because I understood it rather well, I liked the job you gave Joe, and the description you gave of Susan. I didn't like how you just ended when Susan passed away and then quickly said 5 years later, I wouldv'e liked to know more about the child. The end was very sad, but it was a very good end to the story.
“Gone But Not Forgotten”
ReplyDeleteThis story was pretty good. Except… I think it was rushed a little too much. I know it had to be a short story and all, but more detail should’ve been added. And, the quotation marks in weird places bothered me. (ex: “Alright I’ll do it, but consider this my two weeks’ notice.” “When I return I’m leaving the FBI.”) Is that one person talking? Is it 2 separate thoughts? Just get rid of the set of: ” “ in the middle, and it should be fine.
“Take a Drag”
ReplyDeleteOkaaay… I don’t have any siblings, but I’m certain nobody would make their younger siblings smoke weed just to look cool in front of their friends. To me, this was a very depressing story, but it was well written.
“The Willy Wasmer Story”
ReplyDeleteI think you could probably start your dialogue off with something besides, “Chris says or Willy says.” Also you said Lumina three out of four sentences which I am not sure if that is good or bad. Excellent twist at the end of the story. The style of writing is unique in a way that it’s very laid back and easy to follow. The characters are described well enough that you get a feel for what’s going in their life. Good plot and nice redneck setting.
“College Scandal”
ReplyDeleteThe plot was very good and the ending was great. It gave enough information that I could guess what was going to happen without being told. The twins that did the mugging had a reason as to why they mugged people which was good. I didn’t like when Lacey was describing the twins and she said she would try her best to describe them, which made it seem like she didn’t exactly remember, and then she rattled off all of these details. Another good thing was you gave the twin the rose tattoo so that the reader would associate the rose tattoo with the twin without having to be told that it was the twin. One thing I would try to improve on is making the characters have personalities. It was a good that you described them and the atmosphere, but I didn’t pick up on their personalities.
“Unguarded,” Bravo, Bravo this was a well planned out story however it reminded me a movie that was recently in theaters, though I never saw the movie but I heard about it and it reminded me of it. The story to the movie had a different role plays like the dad saved the girl in the movie and in the story the dad hired a man to capture his daughter. In the begging of the story I all so notices that you use reassuring a lot and you could have probably spiced it up a bit more. And the character descriptions where all plotted into one spot of the story you maybe could have spread it along the story more. However these are minor cons for you story, other than the whole thing relating to the movie. For your pro’s I loved the way you described everything and the French people (I believe it was French but it could have been Spain) you made them sound like they were actually from their country. I do like the whole begging intro thing it made me kind of want to read more but it felt slow pace in and out of the body and conclusion, what I am trying to say is that the begging (intro) was the most interesting part. I just want to say well done!
ReplyDeleteEvaleigh I really think you should keep an open mind. Just because you don't think something happens doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I guarantee people do stuff like that to make their siblings look cool, maybe open your eyes a little and take a look around
ReplyDelete“Super Fan”
ReplyDelete-Positives
-It had a really good plot.
-It seemed like you really knew what you were talking about.
-You did a really good job at explaining the character’s thoughts. It made me almost put myself into the story.
-Negatives
-The conversation wording seemed a little unrealistic.
-Make sure you reread your story when you’re done; there were a few things that you would have noticed if you would have reread.
-I don’t think you gave much of a character description.
"Today"
ReplyDeleteI love this story. It had a grat twist at the end. Your setting detail was well described.
At the end it got a little confusing when he was driving to the gas station. I wasn't sure what was going on.
Yout dialogue and vocab was good. I felt like i knew your characters. The plot was very original, kudos for that.
Overall this story made my day. I loved the end and how it was all happy. Great job.
im lyk hungry. srsly
ReplyDelete“Super Fan”
ReplyDeleteGreat use of sense right away once you started your paper. The discriptions of the characters weren’t bad but a little more detail wouldn’t have hurt. Great narrations. I liked the insight on Emily throughout the story to know what her personalitly was truly like. Overall the story was good and made me keep wanting to read more. The only this was the softball terminology was hard to concept unless you know your lingo.