This blog was created for Mrs. Gilson's Creative Writing courses. Students are encouraged to write compliments and suggestions when evaluating students' writing pieces. Please respect everyone's privacy and provide positive remarks.
A Night to Remember This story was amazing! It reminded me of the actual show, CSI. Whoever wrote this story has some real talent! The only thing is that the setting needs to be explained more and at some points of the story, I got confused because I wasn't quite sure where Maggie and Payton were. And make sure to spell check and watch punctuations. Otherwise, this story was very entertaining and enjoyable to read.
The Dream Maker, I think that this is a good story, I like the plot line. It is very moving, and could happen, just minus the talking bunny. But for one suggestion that I have is that you should maybe look into your proofreading a little more, because you have some of the tenses wrong. I like the opening paragraph a lot, it made me feel like it was going to be a creepy story actually. But it did confuse me a little because you never really told us why the mother left.
Sometimes you go into past tense and then back to present. Also make sure you keep talking in first person if that is how you started off with. I loved the way you described things. The descriptions of everything made me feel that I was actually part of the story.
This is a very creative story. In some areas it seens to get a little bit confusing because you jump tenses. You have a good feel for writing. I like the idea of having a stuffed bunny as a "dream maker." This is a story with a happy ending that would make anybodys day a little brighter. Make sure to spell check and look over your word choice. Otherwise excellent story.
Love of Her Life This story had a good story line. And at points of the story it was very interesting! Very nice use of quotes. This story had a lot of spelling issues and punctuation problems. The story also felt like it dragged on and on and it wasn't really going anywhere. But otherwise it was an ok story.
I loved the description in the beginning. I'm not getting the point of the story, instead of jumping into a different part every paragraph I think you should try to indicate move specifics. I like the setting of the story but like I stated before it gets confusing at some times.
The Handy Man, I thought that this story was ok. Not being mean or anything, but I thought it was a little confusing, when I read that he was getting along with his job good, and then he was fired. Also that you need to indent when you start new paragraphs. Also I would like to know if Jon and Jim stay friends, or they don’t. I thought that this story was creative though; there is no way that I would have thought to write about a handy man. I would also like to know what Jon did wrong that he hurt his leg.
“The Best Friend Wars” This is a pretty good story; it also has a good plot. I think that it would be better if it wasn’t based off a movie. If you want to use a movie only use little bits and pieces of it. The descriptions of the characters and places were pretty good also. I liked how in the end they realized that they will never hate each other because of some wedding. I thought that the ending would be different but I still think that I was good.
The description could have been better; it was difficult to create an image of the characters in my mind. The story was good, and I liked that it didn’t jump around and the story took place in a short amount of time. The story is very descriptive, with a lot of details. Which is good.
Nice introduction, I was really pulled into the story. During the beginning make sure to watch timing and punctuation. Watch the spelling of certain words; sometimes you have the wrong word in the phrase or sentence. I like how descriptive you are with describing the mood and appearance of things. The story felt real to me I really felt how the main character was feeling.
The beginning of the story starts out really great but a little hard to follow at some times. Some points in the story are very clear, but then there are points where I don’t understand. I think that it is a really good story but you should go more in depth with why they were mean to each other. Other than that great story.
“All the Way through State” Suggestions 1. Watch punctuation and quotation marks 2. You don’t really expand on the character 3. The team seems too perfect. And it seems like they are the best team and kind of self centered. Compliments 1. It was very interesting. 2. Good job in your wording. 3. It seems like your writing about your interests.
“Superhero, Rob” Suggestions 1. You need to proofread over this a little bit because you missed some words and or put words in the wrong order. 2. Expand the explanation of the character Rob more because all we know is that he is a superhero and people don’t like him. 3. Explain the setting more because I couldn’t tell where they were at times. Complainants 1. I like the story and it was a very great idea. 2. I can tell that you are a great writer and you can write about almost anything. 3. You chose a good theme.
Kind of a freeky story, but it had a good plot line. Watch out for the texting jargan(u instead of you or 2marrow instead of tomorrow). That makes it a little bit hard to understand because the reader might not know what you are trying to say. I liked the idea of having gang related violence instead of just any old violent action. Watch for sentence fragments, sometimes those make it hard to understand what you are saying. Great character sketch.
“Rough Riding for Scott Radant” In the beginning the story was extremely good very detailed. After a little while the story was jumping all over the place. It went to going to an interview for McDonalds the next day to moving up north in a cabin and the house was being sold. I think that it would better if there wasn’t that much jumping in the story. I didn’t expect that he they were going to get divorced either. I like how in the end after the guy made his mistakes and realizes that people shouldn’t just waste there life, or feel bad about them selves. They can try to make life better for themselves.
“You Never Know What is Going to Happen” I really liked this story. I liked how something like this could really happen and it shows the panic and the feelings that you would go through. Just make sure to watch the spelling and punctuation at points. Also, make sure you watch the quotations. I really liked this story also partly because it shows you how you can get through the rough parts of your life if you just stay strong. Maybe show more emotions from Carrie’s mom and Jeff. Great story!
The description of Sophie was great! The combination of adjectives and the description of her past created a great understanding of the character. However when you described her, you frequently used “she” a lot. Try to start some of your sentence with a prefix, comma, and then the subject. By doing this, you will reel in the reader with your words because it is more interesting. Once in a while, there were punctuation and grammatical mistakes concealed within the story. When you described a situation, you would end the paragraph with “He said that” or “Cooper said that.” Using “that” in this manner makes the piece lose its’ professionalism. You don’t need to say “that” because you already described what you wanted him to say and are simply restating. Sometimes the tenses would change throughout the story. I was a little confused when you said that she verbalized her text message. The story was very informative of baseball, showing that the author has a lot of experience in the sport. It is nice to see the author jump off of the page. I absolutely loved the history that you incorporate into your piece! Good comparison of her situation to Jackie Robinson’s! You did a great job of expressing the emotion of the characters. There was a part of the story that said that she ate something. It would be more acceptable to say what she is eating specifically. If you say she is eating something, it distracts the reader as they try to imagine what she is eating. At least, I got distracted by it and I think it got more attention than it deserved. Describe more, like you beautifully demonstrated you were capable of in the beginning of the story. The piece was missing a description of a setting and there was no distinct exposition.
Frequent run-ons became relevant and it was apparent that unnecessary commas were used, trying to correct some of these run-ons. I got shivers when I read the description of Leslie! The adjectives you used were so beautiful that it was almost poetic! Remember that in dialogue, when you conjoin two sentences with a conjunction, you capitalize the beginning of the next sentence. Your creativity exploded off the page with your team names and the ever popular adjectives! However, when it came to the game, your descriptions created a climactic experience, but it was very brief. Try to add in more suspense throughout the piece. This could have been achieved, perhaps, by lengthening the story and not having the whole climax cluttered in one paragraph. I love the aspect that this story had a theme similar to that of “The Great Gatsby.” Leslie had an “American Dream” and tried to achieve it throughout the piece. Of course, it was a much shorter demonstration of the “American Dream,” but great nevertheless. The story seemed a bit to clean for my liking. No one had any major defects or bad qualities. This made it kind of hard to sympathize with the character. I realize that she tried really hard to become a starter, but describe some of her defects.
You’re very smooth and flowing with your words. Random mistakes in grammar were apparent. You forgot commas and conjunctions frequently, causing run-ons. The part where it talks about him thinking about retirement so that he doesn’t have to think about anyone else doesn’t make sense. He is not divorced to his wife yet, so he would still care about her. Or, are you trying to show that he doesn’t care about her? It would be best to elaborate on that part. Watch out on your punctuation and use more exciting adjectives for “said”. I like the random dashes of comical humor! It gives the story some zest! Remember “too” means also or as well, not “to.” Almost too many events occurred throughout the piece. This would be an excellent story; meaning a book or longer piece of literature, because it has a lot of emotions and events that take place. You have great ideas and it is obviously evident that you are a creative spirit. However, for a short story your going have to adjust your palette so it fits for the required length of the story. For example, Scott thinks about how it’s impossible to get back together with his wife but it has only been a time span of a few weeks.
“Sophie Miller” Suggestions 1. Watch your punctuation. 2. Stay in the same tense. You veer off with it some. 3. Some parts are a little confusing with wording. Compliments 1. Interesting, I liked how you tied in a relationship problem with baseball. 2. Some parts to me are a little confusing but that’s because I don’t know much about baseball. And it seem like you do. 3. It doesn’t really drag on like I expected it to. So that was good.
“The Love Story Over Seas” Suggestions 1. You repeat yourself. 2. You changed second person to first. Then you switch from her thinking to him thinking. It’s very confusing 3. It is very dramatic. Compliments 1. I like that you made her be pregnant it made it interesting. 2. I like that you incorporated the war in Iraq. 3. From what I did understand your story had nice wording.
Trouble, You have to describe the character right; you called Travis a “her.” And you might want to proofread a little better. And spell check a little bit more. But I like the story because it does happen in life. I like how it has actual gang names, and it taught me a little bit about the gang life. But I think you should say what happens to the family a little better in the end. I am a little confused on when Lucy went to go pick up Joey, when she called I don’t know who she called.
“Miracle for Holly” Suggestions 1. Watch punctuation is some spots 2. Explain the setting a little bit more 3. You kind of jumped around in spots Complainants 1. You wrote a really good story, it was very interesting 2. Good job explain the characters 3. You have a very creative mind
“Love of Her Life”, I loved the plot of this story how it was new boyfriend and ex-boyfriend the contrasts between Kevin and Drew were wonderful how you made them seem like completely different people. I liked how the story kept you wondering Kevin was really cheating or if Drew was just lying to get Ashley back. You had get use of quotes and I enjoyed the story line. I believe though I did like all of the quotes, and their talking I think you could have described the setting better I was confused at times where it was taking place. There were some spelling and punctuation problems that you may want to fix. You may want to elaborate on their physical characteristics, and you may want to change the name to correspond more with the story. I thought it was a very good story though, good job!!
“Redemption” The beginning is very descriptive in the setting and kind of creepy at the same time; amazingly written though. After the first paragraph I got kind of confused because I didn’t know that he was back at his house and not at church. Character description is very detailed; I could kind of picture the person. I like how you describe his life and what all happened. So you can understand why he is the way he is. I totally didn’t expect for two people to die. Amazing story, you can write extremely well.
“The Probe meet” Suggestions 1. Watch where you put your periods and commas. 2. It was a little confusing when you switched who was talking. 3. You should proofread a little better. You missed some words. Complainants 1. Very creative story 2. Nice Idea. 3. Keep up the good writing
Redemption This story had a good story line. Good spelling and punctuations! Nice details! The only thing about this story is it seems to go on and on and I lose interest in it very quickly. Also, sometimes I didn't know who you were talking about or what was going on. Otherwise it was a good story!
This seems like a real life story. Watch out for indenting paragraphs and maybe use a little bit more dialogue it will help to tell the story a little bit more smoothly. The character sketch really brought me into the story. Keep up the good writing skills!
All The Way Through State, I liked this story, it kept me going, I liked the description of how the games go. But before I finished the story I knew that Louisville was going to win. I kind of would have wanted a different ending. I like the use of quotes, and the character sketching. I like how it was about basketball, I like those stories that are in the moment! Way to go!
“The Dream Maker” Suggestions 1. It was a little bit confusing 2. Make sure you watch your spelling 3. Also watch your word choice Complainants 1. I like the title “Dream Maker” 2. Very creative story 3. I really like the happy ending
The dialogue is super friggin’ duper. And the story is very realistic, and I believe that it could have actually happened. It was very descriptive, and I almost felt like I was a student in the school and saw all of this happening right before me. I would probably like a different ending, because it seems like it’s the absolute perfect scenario and it doesn’t seem like it would happen that way.
"Redemption" You had really extensive detail all the way through the story. Contrasting traits really was shown as his temper and religion conflicted. It was a little hard to follow as JUDE all of a sudden was there. I wasn't too much of a fan of the repeated section in italics.
"you never know whats going to happen" 1.watch the spelling and punctuation. 2.watch the quotations. it was a good story i kida felt like i have seen these story before. i like how you explained how she felt after ever thing happend to her.
Baseball: Sophie's Story This was a very interesting story. I could tell that who ever wrote this, is in love with this sport. Very good story line! I would watch spelling errors. Also, there were a alot of puncuation marks that were missing. Just make sure to re-read it and then everything will be all good.
“A Night to Remember” Suggestions 1. I found this story to be quite confusing. You changed tenses a lot. 2. I found some spelling errors and made it a little hard to understand it. 3. Maybe expand on Jordan and Kevin and what happened to Maggie. Compliments 1. I did like the plot line it was interesting. 2. I liked that mysteriousness of the boys, it made the story flow. 3. I also liked the fact that you had sort of a flash back to the story.
Bob your car should be blue with red racing stripes, i don't think white racing stripes look good on blue cars, but other than that your car is sweet.Joe your car is also pretty sweet, but not as sweeet as bobs, i gotta tell you one thing though when you say "tail lights," what do you mean you gotta be suspific cause all cars have tail lights, are they like carbon fiber tail lights. Other than that good story.
I thought this story was very interesting. It had a good plot line, but it really didn’t go anywhere. Make sure to watch punctuation and sentence structure. This story was original and I enjoyed reading it. Next time maybe explain Jordan a little more instead of just jumping from her going to the party to her being pregnant 7 months in. Good creativeness. Kind of weird how it’s not even Sherman’s fault that she slipped, but yet she still stopped talking to him… Good story!
"Redemption" You had very good detail throughout the story. At times it was a little confusing who was talking. The story was really good but it seemed to go on and on. Other then that the story was great!
Rough riding for Scott Radit This story was a joy to read I found it very moving. I think it would help to explain what’s happening a little more. Maybe try using more dialogue I think it might help. In the beginning you talked about him smoking all the time. Then all the sudden he’s not smoking anymore, but then he has a drinking problem?????
Rough Riding for Scott Radant I thought that one thing this person did well on was telling what the characters where thinking about. Another thing that I thought was done well was putting feeling into the story and making it stand out. Though at times setting was a bit confusing, I thought it was told well. One thing I would suggest is to not cram everything in one sentence. Spacing it out makes it look better and sound better. Another thing I would suggest is don’t jump around so much, the story was overly summarized. Last suggestion I’d like to make it make it a wee bit more realistic I can’t all be bad there has to be some good.
You had a really good plot line. The conflict in the story was very suspenseful. The fight could of had more detail and I think you should of wrote more as it seemed like you just ran out of time to finish or write more of the story.
“The Switch of May” I really the story. It created really good suspense and had a huge change at the end. You described everything really well. I could really picture your characters and the setting. You could have watched your spelling a little more and punctuation, but over all it was a really good story.
Good story. I like how Peyton was stabbed. It totally turns the story around and gave it an exciting twist, except now I will never talk to anybody named Jordan again. I'm not really sure how the title fits the story but oh well. You could put a little more detail into the story. i want to know what happened to Maggie and Kevin. What do they even look like? What were they drinking?
This story was awesome. I really liked how everything meshed well together. Your transitions were great. But make sure you watch your spelling on certain words. This story has a great setting and goes together very well. Keep writing!
The Handy Man This story was original. But, I also think that it needed to flow a bit more smoothly. Try not to use and so much and make sure to indent the paragraphs. This could help make the story easier to read.
The Handy Man 1.Watch out for indenting paragraphs 2. More dialogue I like it overall but some of the stuff you brought up in the end. I wish you would explained it a little better. It was a little confusing how he got fired from a bad job and got hired for a better job. but nice job!
“Redemption” Had a great story plot, the story really kept you wondering how he killed the man. The character description was amazing I could picture the characters in my head as I was reading as well as the setting had a great description. Your characters really drew my attention and made me feel sorrow for them. I was confused at the time change in the story I wasn’t sure what happened when you went from a church seen to IHOP, might want to make the transition more obvious. The story at times seemed to drag on and I caught myself day dreaming instead of reading. I was confused at times on the character that was talking, but other than that great detail, good story!
This is a very creative story, it really ties into what life is like today with all of the families that are torn appart today. Try writing the name of the person that is writing the journal entry, it will make the story a little easier to follow. Also i would use a different font when typing the journal entry it will tie in the entries better. Great story, I was happy that the story ended happily.
Sophie's Story A seemingly generic story, watch out for changing from past to present tense. About half way through you changed from all past tense to all present tense. Try not using texting jargen when stating what people say too. Character descriptions could be a little more in depth but with a little more revision it could turn out to be an exceptional story. I thought it ended quite abruptly and seemed as though you were rushing through the story.
“You Never Know What is Going to Happen” This story was pretty good overall. There were some words that were missing though also there were some spelling errors. I like how it seems that it could actually could or would happen to someone. Some of the quotations were missing, and I like how Carrie looks at the positive things in life and tries to achieve her goals.
This was really interesting, even the part about getting stabbed 58 times...NICE Made me laught kinna choppy but for the most part kept my interest, high schoolers can relate to in alot, like with the drinking and stuff
The Switch of May I like how your title ties in with the story. Very nice character sketch I really can picture him. The story does a good job sticking to the plot. There is a lot of good detail to the story which makes it easy to follow.
“Love of Her Life” Great Story. You did an excellent job of contrasting Drew and Kevin to make them two totally different people. Good job on the dialogue. There were a few spelling mistakes but other than that the story was great.
I thought this story was great! The plot line was very easy to relate to on how people can get jealous of other people dating. I do think that you could have expanded on the end a little bit, though. Overall, it was a good story. It kept you wanting to read more. Great suspense! Watch the spelling and grammar at points. Some parts were hard to understand on where it was taking place. Great use of quotes! Good job!
“Trouble" Watch your grammar. You should try to integrate your character description into the story, instead of just having it as the first paragraph. You have really good ideas and the conflict is very evident and incorporated throughout the story.
Ok you have a really good story, a really good plot line, as well as very good ideas. I really enjoyed it. The only thing i gotta complain about is that you forgot the most important part of the story, your missing TITLE!
“Redemption” 1 little confused at times but relly good story the climax was very intresting. this is the best stroy i read so far the plot got me really into the story.realy good detail. keep on being creative!!!!1
“Rough Riding for Scott Radant” This story had great details and was easy to follow in the beginning. Towards the end it started to get a little crazy with the places he was going. Your punctuation and spelling was really excellent and I really enjoyed reading the story. Sometime I had to re-read to understand. :)
The story is extremely descriptive and I felt like I had actually been there while this happened. The sneaky revenge was very clever. I thought the timing was good, and everything was described very well. I feel like there could have been more dialogue. Kthx.
“Probe Meet,” I thought it was a good story; I liked hearing about the cars. The plot of the story was good. The description of the cars were in great detail for a car person but I felt that it took awhile to read something that hadn’t had any meaning to me. I thought you could cut down on the swearing I felt in some spots you were swearing just to swear, a better word choice would be appropriate. I also think you should expand on the description, I wasn’t sure where it was taking place you could describe the sights they were looking at or the drag strip that they raced on. Good story, it was interesting.
The Handy Man” I thought that this story was very original. I think if you used a bit more dialogue it would help the story move a long a lot better. I think that you did a great job describing the character.
“Redemption” I really liked this story; I thought that it was suspenseful yet peaceful at times. The story line was great and well written. I thought that the characters could have been elaborated on a little bit better. I really liked the story and keep it up!:)
“The Handy Man” I thought your story could include a little more detail in the describing of these events. I like how he got his job back and still got a better job at Schneider. You had a really good character description, I could really picture him. I would like to see a little more on how his life worked out.
This was a great story. The title really drew me in, and your word choice was also very well picked out. I could really visualize the characters. I could picture your setting throughout the whole story, but there were a few punctuation mistakes. But overall I liked your story
Rocky Road This was definitely the BEST STORY EVAR. I thought it had some wonderful conflicting characteristics and that I feel like a better person just for reading it. May god have mercy on your soul.
“THE BIG PARTY” IT WAS VERY INTRESTING Watch spelling and punctuation I kept on reading it because I wanted to know what came next it had very very intresting facts about auston and how he hooked up with Jordan I wish I knew if Jordan was a guy or girl but keep on being creative!!!!!!!
“Best Night Ever” I thought that the story was very good and I enjoyed reading it. Make sure that you watch your punctuation. Other then that the story was great.
Best night Ever!@!@!@! I liked it a lot and wished that you would have written more in depth because I got really into the story and wanted to know what else happened. I felt like I could place myself in the character’s shoes. Especially when the baby died. You rock my world.
Good story. Your description of Lex sounds alot like my dear freind, Nick Holden. The story was intresting and I wanted to read more. WHY DIDNT YOU WRITE MORE OMG!@!@ I could not find a single thing wrong with the story. It was possibly the best piece of work I have ever read in my lifetime. I love you.
This story is really boring at first but at the end it gets pretty interesting. Watch the grammer, & the spelling a little bit. I like how one of your characters is officer mcdougal.
I’m the man I liked the fact that the characters were very well described. I also like how in the story at the end, that Gary was the ultimate boss. It reminded me of my daily work at Wal Mart. I am really glad I read this story because it learned me a lot about writing and hopefully I can spell good soon.
I’m the man I liked the fact that the characters were very well described. I also like how in the story at the end, that Gary was the ultimate boss. It reminded me of my daily work at Wal Mart. I am really glad I read this story because it learned me a lot about writing and hopefully I can spell good soon.
“Sophie’s Story” I thought that the story was good but it seemed as if Sophie was to perfect. Your punctuation was pretty good, but I thought that it could have used more dialogue. I really liked the story line and how Sophie got to play with the Rays. It jumped from spot to spot every once and a while and was kind of hard to follow at times. Otherwise, Great Story!!
“Sweet Revenge” I really liked this story! It kept you guessing what Justina and Sydney were going to do to get revenge at Carl. Watch the spelling and punctuation, though. I thought this story was really interesting and it had some good ideas. It was fast moving, which kept the reader interested. Good plot line. Great story!
“A Night To Remember” I really enjoyed this story, the plot was great and so was the ending. I’m wondering why he killed her though, was she rapped? I also was wondering what happened with Maggie and Kevin? The anticipation of the story was also good, it really kept me reading. I think you should go into more detail with the characters and setting I didn’t know who any one looked like other then the fact that Jordan had clear, olive green eyes. You may also want to expand on the car seen and why he killed her. I think the title isn’t right for the story, it is very misleading. You may also was the correct some spelling errors.
The plot of the story was really good. The detail was exquisite, however you could use some help with spelling and punctuation. The end of the story was really good and I liked how Gary became the boss in the end. That part reminds me a lot of how the exact same thing happened to me at my other job. AWESOME STORY!!! 10/10
“The Big Party” Your story was funny to read but also at the same time very hard to understand. At the beginning of your story I could follow that Austin was going to school and all, but after a few paragraphs I was lost. You have a few grammar mistakes, but I could really picture your characters.
The Big Party Make sure you indent paragraphs, watch capitilization,punctuation, and overall grammar. And don't say the time, show it. Use things like after or before or during. For example, when you explained Austin's shift at Wal-mart. The ideas of the story were good, but describe more of the party maybe explain why it was known as the big party..
Very good story, love the story line love the plot, i like jon as a character, the way you described him is what i wanna be some day. The only thing bad is that you need to use dialogue a little bit more.
The story and descriptions for this were written well. It was an interesting story, and good plot. The end did seemed rushed though, it jumped seven months ahead and ended really abruptly.
A Night to Remember Very nice story found it to be really easy reading. I love all the character detail you did a really good job describing them. Also you did a fantastic job explaining were, and when the story happened. I like how the story played out it was a very good plot. It’s cool how the characters interact with each other. Very nice ending it could have been a little longer, but very good.
Best Night Ever The story just started I would maybe put an introduction in to start off the story. Very nice, but strange character sketches. It was a very interesting story, but I couldn’t figure out where the story goes try sticking more to the plot. watch spelling, and grammar. Otherwise very nice job.
The Switch of May I thought this story was OK. I mean it didn’t blow me away but it had good parts to it. I’d recommend reading it much more carefully next time because there were many mistakes. Overall I thought it was done exceptionally well. It was very realistic about typical teenage life.
The Big Party Exquisite story. Terrible spelling. I’m not sure on why you were so specific on the times, but when you said like (5 hour later) it was only actually 4 hours later. Austin sounds like my friend Justin. Minus the job at Wal-Mart. I liked the plot a lot and it reminds me of a real life situation that Ive heard of before.
This story was very interesting and easy to relate too. I think that I would like to have felt more feelings about how she felt when she was pregnant. Things like that could have been described better. But, I do think that it was a good overall message and I liked how her hopes were held high in the end.
Good luck 6th hour!
ReplyDeleteA Night to Remember
ReplyDeleteThis story was amazing! It reminded me of the actual show, CSI. Whoever wrote this story has some real talent! The only thing is that the setting needs to be explained more and at some points of the story, I got confused because I wasn't quite sure where Maggie and Payton were. And make sure to spell check and watch punctuations. Otherwise, this story was very entertaining and enjoyable to read.
The Dream Maker,
ReplyDeleteI think that this is a good story, I like the plot line. It is very moving, and could happen, just minus the talking bunny. But for one suggestion that I have is that you should maybe look into your proofreading a little more, because you have some of the tenses wrong. I like the opening paragraph a lot, it made me feel like it was going to be a creepy story actually. But it did confuse me a little because you never really told us why the mother left.
The Dream Maker
ReplyDeleteSometimes you go into past tense and then back to present. Also make sure you keep talking in first person if that is how you started off with. I loved the way you described things.
The descriptions of everything made me feel that I was actually part of the story.
The Dream Maker
ReplyDeleteThis is a very creative story. In some areas it seens to get a little bit confusing because you jump tenses. You have a good feel for writing. I like the idea of having a stuffed bunny as a "dream maker." This is a story with a happy ending that would make anybodys day a little brighter. Make sure to spell check and look over your word choice. Otherwise excellent story.
Love of Her Life
ReplyDeleteThis story had a good story line. And at points of the story it was very interesting! Very nice use of quotes. This story had a lot of spelling issues and punctuation problems. The story also felt like it dragged on and on and it wasn't really going anywhere. But otherwise it was an ok story.
The Handy Man
ReplyDeleteI loved the description in the beginning. I'm not getting the point of the story, instead of jumping into a different part every paragraph I think you should try to indicate move specifics.
I like the setting of the story but like I stated before it gets confusing at some times.
The Handy Man,
ReplyDeleteI thought that this story was ok. Not being mean or anything, but I thought it was a little confusing, when I read that he was getting along with his job good, and then he was fired. Also that you need to indent when you start new paragraphs. Also I would like to know if Jon and Jim stay friends, or they don’t. I thought that this story was creative though; there is no way that I would have thought to write about a handy man. I would also like to know what Jon did wrong that he hurt his leg.
im hungry
ReplyDelete“The Best Friend Wars”
ReplyDeleteThis is a pretty good story; it also has a good plot. I think that it would be better if it wasn’t based off a movie. If you want to use a movie only use little bits and pieces of it. The descriptions of the characters and places were pretty good also. I liked how in the end they realized that they will never hate each other because of some wedding. I thought that the ending would be different but I still think that I was good.
“You Never Know What Is Going To Happen”
ReplyDeleteThe description could have been better; it was difficult to create an image of the characters in my mind. The story was good, and I liked that it didn’t jump around and the story took place in a short amount of time. The story is very descriptive, with a lot of details. Which is good.
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ReplyDeleteyep
ReplyDeleteTrouble
ReplyDeleteNice introduction, I was really pulled into the story. During the beginning make sure to watch timing and punctuation. Watch the spelling of certain words; sometimes you have the wrong word in the phrase or sentence. I like how descriptive you are with describing the mood and appearance of things. The story felt real to me I really felt how the main character was feeling.
The Best Friend Wars
ReplyDeleteThe beginning of the story starts out really great but a little hard to follow at some times. Some points in the story are very clear, but then there are points where I don’t understand. I think that it is a really good story but you should go more in depth with why they were mean to each other. Other than that great story.
“All the Way through State”
ReplyDeleteSuggestions
1. Watch punctuation and quotation marks
2. You don’t really expand on the character
3. The team seems too perfect. And it seems like they are the best team and kind of self centered.
Compliments
1. It was very interesting.
2. Good job in your wording.
3. It seems like your writing about your interests.
“Superhero, Rob”
ReplyDeleteSuggestions
1. You need to proofread over this a little bit because you missed some words and or put words in the wrong order.
2. Expand the explanation of the character Rob more because all we know is that he is a superhero and people don’t like him.
3. Explain the setting more because I couldn’t tell where they were at times.
Complainants
1. I like the story and it was a very great idea.
2. I can tell that you are a great writer and you can write about almost anything.
3. You chose a good theme.
Trouble
ReplyDeleteKind of a freeky story, but it had a good plot line. Watch out for the texting jargan(u instead of you or 2marrow instead of tomorrow). That makes it a little bit hard to understand because the reader might not know what you are trying to say. I liked the idea of having gang related violence instead of just any old violent action. Watch for sentence fragments, sometimes those make it hard to understand what you are saying. Great character sketch.
“Rough Riding for Scott Radant”
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning the story was extremely good very detailed. After a little while the story was jumping all over the place. It went to going to an interview for McDonalds the next day to moving up north in a cabin and the house was being sold. I think that it would better if there wasn’t that much jumping in the story. I didn’t expect that he they were going to get divorced either. I like how in the end after the guy made his mistakes and realizes that people shouldn’t just waste there life, or feel bad about them selves. They can try to make life better for themselves.
“You Never Know What is Going to Happen”
ReplyDeleteI really liked this story. I liked how something like this could really happen and it shows the panic and the feelings that you would go through. Just make sure to watch the spelling and punctuation at points. Also, make sure you watch the quotations. I really liked this story also partly because it shows you how you can get through the rough parts of your life if you just stay strong. Maybe show more emotions from Carrie’s mom and Jeff. Great story!
“The Love Story Over Seas”
ReplyDeleteI found this piece to be sort of confusing. In the beginning, it started with a quick character sketch. However, there was no transition from the sketch to the story, almost as if it was just put in to make the requirements for our assignment. Then it jumped from third person to first person, not staying with one perspective. But, I definitely liked the passion the two had for each other and their urge to meet one another. It slightly reminded me of the two star-crossed lovers of Verona; if you get my drift. It may seem like a cliché for some, but I thought it was romantic. Frequently, the piece had run-ons and incorrect punctuation for the dialogue. Remember, when you are conjoining two sentences of dialogue you need a conjunction. I understand that you wanted to show emotion when you used the caps lock but that is something you only do one MSN Messenger, not in a story. Try to use adjectives to describe the emotion instead of trying to show it. This story was “all American,” showing conflicts that are frequently happening. It made me feel a sense of patriotism and I liked it. I totally thought the word art for the title and ending was a nice touch!
"Baseball: Sophie’s Story"
ReplyDeleteThe description of Sophie was great! The combination of adjectives and the description of her past created a great understanding of the character. However when you described her, you frequently used “she” a lot. Try to start some of your sentence with a prefix, comma, and then the subject. By doing this, you will reel in the reader with your words because it is more interesting. Once in a while, there were punctuation and grammatical mistakes concealed within the story. When you described a situation, you would end the paragraph with “He said that” or “Cooper said that.” Using “that” in this manner makes the piece lose its’ professionalism. You don’t need to say “that” because you already described what you wanted him to say and are simply restating. Sometimes the tenses would change throughout the story. I was a little confused when you said that she verbalized her text message. The story was very informative of baseball, showing that the author has a lot of experience in the sport. It is nice to see the author jump off of the page. I absolutely loved the history that you incorporate into your piece! Good comparison of her situation to Jackie Robinson’s! You did a great job of expressing the emotion of the characters. There was a part of the story that said that she ate something. It would be more acceptable to say what she is eating specifically. If you say she is eating something, it distracts the reader as they try to imagine what she is eating. At least, I got distracted by it and I think it got more attention than it deserved. Describe more, like you beautifully demonstrated you were capable of in the beginning of the story. The piece was missing a description of a setting and there was no distinct exposition.
“All The Way Through State”
ReplyDeleteFrequent run-ons became relevant and it was apparent that unnecessary commas were used, trying to correct some of these run-ons. I got shivers when I read the description of Leslie! The adjectives you used were so beautiful that it was almost poetic! Remember that in dialogue, when you conjoin two sentences with a conjunction, you capitalize the beginning of the next sentence. Your creativity exploded off the page with your team names and the ever popular adjectives! However, when it came to the game, your descriptions created a climactic experience, but it was very brief. Try to add in more suspense throughout the piece. This could have been achieved, perhaps, by lengthening the story and not having the whole climax cluttered in one paragraph. I love the aspect that this story had a theme similar to that of “The Great Gatsby.” Leslie had an “American Dream” and tried to achieve it throughout the piece. Of course, it was a much shorter demonstration of the “American Dream,” but great nevertheless. The story seemed a bit to clean for my liking. No one had any major defects or bad qualities. This made it kind of hard to sympathize with the character. I realize that she tried really hard to become a starter, but describe some of her defects.
“Rough Riding for Scott Radant”
ReplyDeleteYou’re very smooth and flowing with your words. Random mistakes in grammar were apparent. You forgot commas and conjunctions frequently, causing run-ons. The part where it talks about him thinking about retirement so that he doesn’t have to think about anyone else doesn’t make sense. He is not divorced to his wife yet, so he would still care about her. Or, are you trying to show that he doesn’t care about her? It would be best to elaborate on that part. Watch out on your punctuation and use more exciting adjectives for “said”. I like the random dashes of comical humor! It gives the story some zest! Remember “too” means also or as well, not “to.” Almost too many events occurred throughout the piece. This would be an excellent story; meaning a book or longer piece of literature, because it has a lot of emotions and events that take place. You have great ideas and it is obviously evident that you are a creative spirit. However, for a short story your going have to adjust your palette so it fits for the required length of the story. For example, Scott thinks about how it’s impossible to get back together with his wife but it has only been a time span of a few weeks.
Why is the time two hours behind?
ReplyDelete“Sophie Miller”
ReplyDeleteSuggestions
1. Watch your punctuation.
2. Stay in the same tense. You veer off with it some.
3. Some parts are a little confusing with wording.
Compliments
1. Interesting, I liked how you tied in a relationship problem with baseball.
2. Some parts to me are a little confusing but that’s because I don’t know much about baseball. And it seem like you do.
3. It doesn’t really drag on like I expected it to. So that was good.
Who is Shayne Winkel???
ReplyDelete“The Love Story Over Seas”
ReplyDeleteSuggestions
1. You repeat yourself.
2. You changed second person to first. Then you switch from her thinking to him thinking. It’s very confusing
3. It is very dramatic.
Compliments
1. I like that you made her be pregnant it made it interesting.
2. I like that you incorporated the war in Iraq.
3. From what I did understand your story had nice wording.
Trouble,
ReplyDeleteYou have to describe the character right; you called Travis a “her.” And you might want to proofread a little better. And spell check a little bit more. But I like the story because it does happen in life. I like how it has actual gang names, and it taught me a little bit about the gang life. But I think you should say what happens to the family a little better in the end. I am a little confused on when Lucy went to go pick up Joey, when she called I don’t know who she called.
“Miracle for Holly”
ReplyDeleteSuggestions
1. Watch punctuation is some spots
2. Explain the setting a little bit more
3. You kind of jumped around in spots
Complainants
1. You wrote a really good story, it was very interesting
2. Good job explain the characters
3. You have a very creative mind
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ReplyDeleteIDK
ReplyDelete“Love of Her Life”,
ReplyDeleteI loved the plot of this story how it was new boyfriend and ex-boyfriend the contrasts between Kevin and Drew were wonderful how you made them seem like completely different people. I liked how the story kept you wondering Kevin was really cheating or if Drew was just lying to get Ashley back. You had get use of quotes and I enjoyed the story line. I believe though I did like all of the quotes, and their talking I think you could have described the setting better I was confused at times where it was taking place. There were some spelling and punctuation problems that you may want to fix. You may want to elaborate on their physical characteristics, and you may want to change the name to correspond more with the story. I thought it was a very good story though, good job!!
“Redemption”
ReplyDeleteThe beginning is very descriptive in the setting and kind of creepy at the same time; amazingly written though. After the first paragraph I got kind of confused because I didn’t know that he was back at his house and not at church. Character description is very detailed; I could kind of picture the person. I like how you describe his life and what all happened. So you can understand why he is the way he is. I totally didn’t expect for two people to die. Amazing story, you can write extremely well.
“The Probe meet”
ReplyDeleteSuggestions
1. Watch where you put your periods and commas.
2. It was a little confusing when you switched who was talking.
3. You should proofread a little better. You missed some words.
Complainants
1. Very creative story
2. Nice Idea.
3. Keep up the good writing
Redemption
ReplyDeleteThis story had a good story line. Good spelling and punctuations! Nice details! The only thing about this story is it seems to go on and on and I lose interest in it very quickly. Also, sometimes I didn't know who you were talking about or what was going on. Otherwise it was a good story!
The Handy Man
ReplyDeleteThis seems like a real life story. Watch out for indenting paragraphs and maybe use a little bit more dialogue it will help to tell the story a little bit more smoothly. The character sketch really brought me into the story. Keep up the good writing skills!
All The Way Through State,
ReplyDeleteI liked this story, it kept me going, I liked the description of how the games go. But before I finished the story I knew that Louisville was going to win. I kind of would have wanted a different ending. I like the use of quotes, and the character sketching. I like how it was about basketball, I like those stories that are in the moment! Way to go!
“The Dream Maker”
ReplyDeleteSuggestions
1. It was a little bit confusing
2. Make sure you watch your spelling
3. Also watch your word choice
Complainants
1. I like the title “Dream Maker”
2. Very creative story
3. I really like the happy ending
“All The Way Through State”
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue is super friggin’ duper. And the story is very realistic, and I believe that it could have actually happened. It was very descriptive, and I almost felt like I was a student in the school and saw all of this happening right before me. I would probably like a different ending, because it seems like it’s the absolute perfect scenario and it doesn’t seem like it would happen that way.
"Redemption"
ReplyDeleteYou had really extensive detail all the way through the story. Contrasting traits really was shown as his temper and religion conflicted. It was a little hard to follow as JUDE all of a sudden was there. I wasn't too much of a fan of the repeated section in italics.
"you never know whats going to happen"
ReplyDelete1.watch the spelling and punctuation.
2.watch the quotations.
it was a good story i kida felt like i have seen these story before. i like how you explained how she felt after ever thing happend to her.
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteBaseball: Sophie's Story
ReplyDeleteThis was a very interesting story. I could tell that who ever wrote this, is in love with this sport. Very good story line! I would watch spelling errors. Also, there were a alot of puncuation marks that were missing. Just make sure to re-read it and then everything will be all good.
“A Night to Remember”
ReplyDeleteSuggestions
1. I found this story to be quite confusing. You changed tenses a lot.
2. I found some spelling errors and made it a little hard to understand it.
3. Maybe expand on Jordan and Kevin and what happened to Maggie.
Compliments
1. I did like the plot line it was interesting.
2. I liked that mysteriousness of the boys, it made the story flow.
3. I also liked the fact that you had sort of a flash back to the story.
Probe Meet
ReplyDeleteBob your car should be blue with red racing stripes, i don't think white racing stripes look good on blue cars, but other than that your car is sweet.Joe your car is also pretty sweet, but not as sweeet as bobs, i gotta tell you one thing though when you say "tail lights," what do you mean you gotta be suspific cause all cars have tail lights, are they like carbon fiber tail lights. Other than that good story.
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete“Best Night Ever!”
ReplyDeleteI thought this story was very interesting. It had a good plot line, but it really didn’t go anywhere. Make sure to watch punctuation and sentence structure. This story was original and I enjoyed reading it. Next time maybe explain Jordan a little more instead of just jumping from her going to the party to her being pregnant 7 months in. Good creativeness. Kind of weird how it’s not even Sherman’s fault that she slipped, but yet she still stopped talking to him… Good story!
"Redemption"
ReplyDeleteYou had very good detail throughout the story. At times it was a little confusing who was talking. The story was really good but it seemed to go on and on. Other then that the story was great!
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ReplyDeleteRough riding for Scott Radit
ReplyDeleteThis story was a joy to read I found it very moving. I think it would help to explain what’s happening a little more. Maybe try using more dialogue I think it might help. In the beginning you talked about him smoking all the time. Then all the sudden he’s not smoking anymore, but then he has a drinking problem?????
Rough Riding for Scott Radant
ReplyDeleteI thought that one thing this person did well on was telling what the characters where thinking about. Another thing that I thought was done well was putting feeling into the story and making it stand out. Though at times setting was a bit confusing, I thought it was told well. One thing I would suggest is to not cram everything in one sentence. Spacing it out makes it look better and sound better. Another thing I would suggest is don’t jump around so much, the story was overly summarized. Last suggestion I’d like to make it make it a wee bit more realistic I can’t all be bad there has to be some good.
"Love of Her Life"
ReplyDeleteYou had a really good plot line. The conflict in the story was very suspenseful. The fight could of had more detail and I think you should of wrote more as it seemed like you just ran out of time to finish or write more of the story.
“The Switch of May”
ReplyDeleteI really the story. It created really good suspense and had a huge change at the end. You described everything really well. I could really picture your characters and the setting. You could have watched your spelling a little more and punctuation, but over all it was a really good story.
"A Night To Remember"
ReplyDeleteGood story. I like how Peyton was stabbed. It totally turns the story around and gave it an exciting twist, except now I will never talk to anybody named Jordan again. I'm not really sure how the title fits the story but oh well. You could put a little more detail into the story. i want to know what happened to Maggie and Kevin. What do they even look like? What were they drinking?
Love of Her Life
ReplyDeleteThis story was awesome. I really liked how everything meshed well together. Your transitions were great. But make sure you watch your spelling on certain words. This story has a great setting and goes together very well.
Keep writing!
The Handy Man
ReplyDeleteThis story was original. But, I also think that it needed to flow a bit more smoothly. Try not to use and so much and make sure to indent the paragraphs. This could help make the story easier to read.
The Handy Man
ReplyDelete1.Watch out for indenting paragraphs
2. More dialogue
I like it overall but some of the stuff you brought up in the end. I wish you would explained it a little better. It was a little confusing how he got fired from a bad job and got hired for a better job.
but nice job!
“Redemption”
ReplyDeleteHad a great story plot, the story really kept you wondering how he killed the man. The character description was amazing I could picture the characters in my head as I was reading as well as the setting had a great description. Your characters really drew my attention and made me feel sorrow for them. I was confused at the time change in the story I wasn’t sure what happened when you went from a church seen to IHOP, might want to make the transition more obvious. The story at times seemed to drag on and I caught myself day dreaming instead of reading. I was confused at times on the character that was talking, but other than that great detail, good story!
boo shockalocka
ReplyDeleteThe Love Story Over Seas
ReplyDeleteThis is a very creative story, it really ties into what life is like today with all of the families that are torn appart today. Try writing the name of the person that is writing the journal entry, it will make the story a little easier to follow. Also i would use a different font when typing the journal entry it will tie in the entries better. Great story, I was happy that the story ended happily.
Sophie's Story
ReplyDeleteA seemingly generic story, watch out for changing from past to present tense. About half way through you changed from all past tense to all present tense. Try not using texting jargen when stating what people say too. Character descriptions could be a little more in depth but with a little more revision it could turn out to be an exceptional story. I thought it ended quite abruptly and seemed as though you were rushing through the story.
“You Never Know What is Going to Happen”
ReplyDeleteThis story was pretty good overall. There were some words that were missing though also there were some spelling errors. I like how it seems that it could actually could or would happen to someone. Some of the quotations were missing, and I like how Carrie looks at the positive things in life and tries to achieve her goals.
A night to remeber
ReplyDeleteThis was really interesting, even the part about getting stabbed 58 times...NICE
Made me laught kinna choppy but for the most part kept my interest, high schoolers can relate to in alot, like with the drinking and stuff
The Switch of May
ReplyDeleteI like how your title ties in with the story. Very nice character sketch I really can picture him. The story does a good job sticking to the plot. There is a lot of good detail to the story which makes it easy to follow.
“Love of Her Life”
ReplyDeleteGreat Story. You did an excellent job of contrasting Drew and Kevin to make them two totally different people. Good job on the dialogue. There were a few spelling mistakes but other than that the story was great.
“Love of Her Life”
ReplyDeleteI thought this story was great! The plot line was very easy to relate to on how people can get jealous of other people dating. I do think that you could have expanded on the end a little bit, though. Overall, it was a good story. It kept you wanting to read more. Great suspense! Watch the spelling and grammar at points. Some parts were hard to understand on where it was taking place. Great use of quotes! Good job!
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ReplyDelete“Trouble"
ReplyDeleteWatch your grammar. You should try to integrate your character description into the story, instead of just having it as the first paragraph. You have really good ideas and the conflict is very evident and incorporated throughout the story.
that one story about Holly
ReplyDeleteOk you have a really good story, a really good plot line, as well as very good ideas. I really enjoyed it. The only thing i gotta complain about is that you forgot the most important part of the story, your missing TITLE!
“Redemption”
ReplyDelete1 little confused at times
but relly good story the climax was very intresting. this is the best stroy i read so far the plot got me really into the story.realy good detail. keep on being creative!!!!1
“Rough Riding for Scott Radant”
ReplyDeleteThis story had great details and was easy to follow in the beginning. Towards the end it started to get a little crazy with the places he was going. Your punctuation and spelling was really excellent and I really enjoyed reading the story. Sometime I had to re-read to understand. :)
“Sweet Revenge”
ReplyDeleteThe story is extremely descriptive and I felt like I had actually been there while this happened. The sneaky revenge was very clever. I thought the timing was good, and everything was described very well. I feel like there could have been more dialogue. Kthx.
“Probe Meet,”
ReplyDeleteI thought it was a good story; I liked hearing about the cars. The plot of the story was good. The description of the cars were in great detail for a car person but I felt that it took awhile to read something that hadn’t had any meaning to me. I thought you could cut down on the swearing I felt in some spots you were swearing just to swear, a better word choice would be appropriate. I also think you should expand on the description, I wasn’t sure where it was taking place you could describe the sights they were looking at or the drag strip that they raced on. Good story, it was interesting.
The Handy Man”
ReplyDeleteI thought that this story was very original. I think if you used a bit more dialogue it would help the story move a long a lot better. I think that you did a great job describing the character.
“Redemption”
ReplyDeleteI really liked this story; I thought that it was suspenseful yet peaceful at times. The story line was great and well written. I thought that the characters could have been elaborated on a little bit better. I really liked the story and keep it up!:)
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ReplyDelete“The Handy Man”
ReplyDeleteI thought your story could include a little more detail in the describing of these events. I like how he got his job back and still got a better job at Schneider. You had a really good character description, I could really picture him. I would like to see a little more on how his life worked out.
“Best Night Ever”
ReplyDeleteThis was a great story. The title really drew me in, and your word choice was also very well picked out. I could really visualize the characters. I could picture your setting throughout the whole story, but there were a few punctuation mistakes. But overall I liked your story
“The Big Party”
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue is good, but it is definitely not formatted correctly. Otherwise the story is awesome and I really liked that Austin got laid.
Rocky Road
ReplyDeleteThis was definitely the BEST STORY EVAR. I thought it had some wonderful conflicting characteristics and that I feel like a better person just for reading it. May god have mercy on your soul.
“THE BIG PARTY”
ReplyDeleteIT WAS VERY INTRESTING
Watch spelling and punctuation
I kept on reading it because I wanted to know what came next it had very very intresting facts about auston and how he hooked up with Jordan I wish I knew if Jordan was a guy or girl but keep on being creative!!!!!!!
“Best Night Ever”
ReplyDeleteI thought that the story was very good and I enjoyed reading it. Make sure that you watch your punctuation. Other then that the story was great.
Best night Ever!@!@!@!
ReplyDeleteI liked it a lot and wished that you would have written more in depth because I got really into the story and wanted to know what else happened. I felt like I could place myself in the character’s shoes. Especially when the baby died. You rock my world.
"Rocky Road"
ReplyDeleteGood story. Your description of Lex sounds alot like my dear freind, Nick Holden. The story was intresting and I wanted to read more. WHY DIDNT YOU WRITE MORE OMG!@!@ I could not find a single thing wrong with the story. It was possibly the best piece of work I have ever read in my lifetime. I love you.
super hero Rob
ReplyDeleteThis story is really boring at first but at the end it gets pretty interesting. Watch the grammer, & the spelling a little bit. I like how one of your characters is officer mcdougal.
I’m the man
ReplyDeleteI liked the fact that the characters were very well described. I also like how in the story at the end, that Gary was the ultimate boss. It reminded me of my daily work at Wal Mart. I am really glad I read this story because it learned me a lot about writing and hopefully I can spell good soon.
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ReplyDeleteI’m the man
ReplyDeleteI liked the fact that the characters were very well described. I also like how in the story at the end, that Gary was the ultimate boss. It reminded me of my daily work at Wal Mart. I am really glad I read this story because it learned me a lot about writing and hopefully I can spell good soon.
“Sophie’s Story”
ReplyDeleteI thought that the story was good but it seemed as if Sophie was to perfect. Your punctuation was pretty good, but I thought that it could have used more dialogue. I really liked the story line and how Sophie got to play with the Rays. It jumped from spot to spot every once and a while and was kind of hard to follow at times. Otherwise, Great Story!!
Rocky Road
ReplyDeleteVery interesting, i liked the ending, very sentimental and what not, kept my focus and attention but very good keep it up
I LOVE YOU
“Sweet Revenge”
ReplyDeleteI really liked this story! It kept you guessing what Justina and Sydney were going to do to get revenge at Carl. Watch the spelling and punctuation, though. I thought this story was really interesting and it had some good ideas. It was fast moving, which kept the reader interested. Good plot line. Great story!
“A Night To Remember”
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this story, the plot was great and so was the ending. I’m wondering why he killed her though, was she rapped? I also was wondering what happened with Maggie and Kevin? The anticipation of the story was also good, it really kept me reading. I think you should go into more detail with the characters and setting I didn’t know who any one looked like other then the fact that Jordan had clear, olive green eyes. You may also want to expand on the car seen and why he killed her. I think the title isn’t right for the story, it is very misleading. You may also was the correct some spelling errors.
I Am The Man
ReplyDeleteThe plot of the story was really good. The detail was exquisite, however you could use some help with spelling and punctuation. The end of the story was really good and I liked how Gary became the boss in the end. That part reminds me a lot of how the exact same thing happened to me at my other job. AWESOME STORY!!! 10/10
“The Big Party”
ReplyDeleteYour story was funny to read but also at the same time very hard to understand. At the beginning of your story I could follow that Austin was going to school and all, but after a few paragraphs I was lost. You have a few grammar mistakes, but I could really picture your characters.
The Big Party
ReplyDeleteMake sure you indent paragraphs, watch capitilization,punctuation, and overall grammar.
And don't say the time, show it. Use things like after or before or during. For example, when you explained Austin's shift at Wal-mart. The ideas of the story were good, but describe more of the party maybe explain why it was known as the big party..
The Handy Man
ReplyDeleteVery good story, love the story line love the plot, i like jon as a character, the way you described him is what i wanna be some day. The only thing bad is that you need to use dialogue a little bit more.
Best Night Ever!@!@
ReplyDeleteThe story and descriptions for this were written well. It was an interesting story, and good plot. The end did seemed rushed though, it jumped seven months ahead and ended really abruptly.
A Night to Remember
ReplyDeleteVery nice story found it to be really easy reading. I love all the character detail you did a really good job describing them. Also you did a fantastic job explaining were, and when the story happened. I like how the story played out it was a very good plot. It’s cool how the characters interact with each other. Very nice ending it could have been a little longer, but very good.
Best Night Ever
ReplyDeleteThe story just started I would maybe put an introduction in to start off the story. Very nice, but strange character sketches. It was a very interesting story, but I couldn’t figure out where the story goes try sticking more to the plot. watch spelling, and grammar. Otherwise very nice job.
The Switch of May
ReplyDeleteI thought this story was OK. I mean it didn’t blow me away but it had good parts to it. I’d recommend reading it much more carefully next time because there were many mistakes. Overall I thought it was done exceptionally well. It was very realistic about typical teenage life.
The Big Party
ReplyDeleteExquisite story. Terrible spelling. I’m not sure on why you were so specific on the times, but when you said like (5 hour later) it was only actually 4 hours later. Austin sounds like my friend Justin. Minus the job at Wal-Mart. I liked the plot a lot and it reminds me of a real life situation that Ive heard of before.
You never know what is going to happen
ReplyDeleteThis story was very interesting and easy to relate too. I think that I would like to have felt more feelings about how she felt when she was pregnant. Things like that could have been described better. But, I do think that it was a good overall message and I liked how her hopes were held high in the end.